Greetings,
And now for the Worst Hit Songs of 1958. I tell you, I have nothing against people being happy and writing happy songs, but a lot of this stuff is uncomfortably, overly happy. To say nothing of the (gasp!) novelty songs. Oh, they were abundant. Anyway, let's get this over with.
#10. "Short Shorts" Royal Teens - Spoilers if you didn't read my Worst Of 1961 list, but if you did, you may recall that I had a bit of a breakdown having to put a song written by Barry Mann on it. Well, this time, it's gonna be a major breakdown, because this song was written by Bob Gaudio. If you don't know who Bob Gaudio is, first, get out, and second, he wrote pretty much all the songs for Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. In short, he's one of my favorite songwriters ever. But even the greatest can falter, and in my opinion, this is an oopsie. He did, after all, write it when he was like sixteen, so I can forgive a little. Although, if you feel bad for Bob because I put him on this list, don't. Thanks to selling it off for a certain commercial we all know, I think he's made more money off of this song than any of his others. And I still love him, regardless.
#9. "Sugartime" The McGuire Sisters - Do you know why we have an obesity problem in America? THIS is why! Okay, fine, they might not be talking about actual sugar. They're talking about...relations. If you know what I mean. Though they may deny it. It's just the way they had to do it in the 50's. Although, I kinda wish it really was about sugar, so that, five years later when Tab came along, we would have gotten an updated version called "Saccharin Time".
#8. "Catch a Falling Star" Perry Como - No, I do not want to catch a falling star and put it in my pocket. That sounds dangerous. Plus, I tend to have small pockets. Anyway, this song is weak.
#7. "Splish Splash" Bobby Darin - Sir, I'm very happy that you make time to take baths, but I do not need to know the details. Inappropriate. Stick to singing about other things, Bobby Darin. Like dream lovers, or knives names Mack, or the sea and all that lies beyond it.
#6. "The Book of Love" The Monotones - Who calls their group The Monotones, like it's a good thing? Sorry, I'm supposed to be judging the song, not the group. I don't like this song. It didn't help when I found out how they came up with it. I've been inspired by some strange things, but never a toothpaste commercial.
#5. "Tom Dooley" The Kingston Trio - Wait, did I say that music from this time was uncomfortably, overly happy? Okay, all of it was except this one. This song makes me wanna jump off a bridge, it's so depressing. According to my research, it's from a genre known as "sweetheart murder ballads". Which is apparently a thing that exists. Charming!
#4. "Kewpie Doll" Perry Como - Fire your agent, Perry Como. Okay, bad enough I have to hear about your weak date at the carnival. Bad enough you're comparing your girl to an inanimate object. But a kewpie doll? Really? Those things are evil. I mean, pretty much all dolls are evil, sure, but these ones have that look, like they're always being shady and plotting the demise of their owners. Mm-hmm.
#3. "Witch Doctor" Davis Seville - I love the Chipmunks. It's just sad that this is kind of where they began. I mean, as much as I'm not a fan of most 80's music, I'd rather hear those sped up voices singing something from that era than this. Plus, I doubt most parents want to explain to their kids what a witch doctor is.
#2. "The Purple People Eater" Sheb Wooley - I'm sorry. I thought hard drugs didn't hit the mainstream until the 60's. Apparently, I was wrong, because you'd have to be on something to come up with this. So, it's about an alien that comes to Earth looking to be in a rock band? Weird. The bad kind of weird. Now, a vampire rising from his grave to join a rock band? That works. What's up, Anne Rice?
#1. "Yakety Yak" The Coasters - This cannot be the same group that did the song "Down In Mexico". THAT song was awesome. THIS song is not. So, it's about a bratty kid being a brat and his parents saying "Shut it!" Which is fine, but what's with the nonsense title? Yet again. But putting those two ideas together isn't the worst thing about this. The legendary Jerry Lieber, who wrote this song, said that The Coasters were portraying "a white kid's view of a black person's conception of white society". Seriously? Look, I'm fine with adding some social commentary to a song, but to a song called "Yakety Yak"? Try again. At least, I know that both Lieber and The Coasters can do better. But this song? No, thank you.
And there you have my Worst Of picks for this year. Look, like I said, I enjoy a lot of the music from this era. They just happened to have quite a bit of down time. But what year doesn't?
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
