Greetings,
So let's talk about Star Trek, shall we? I was one of those people who was pretty much raised on it, but, exclusively, on the original series. We never messed with the other ones. Although, I have seen TNG, and I liked the few episodes I have seen. I certainly enjoy myself some Patrick Stewart. Just speak, sir. Just speak, and I'll be happy. Still, I have always been a hardcore fan of the original Star Trek, which may or may not have had to do with the extreme crush I had on the William Shatner. Yes, I said THE William Shatner. I should also say the YOUNG William Shatner, so there will be less judgement. P.S. This crush may show its face a few times in this post. That aside, it's kind of amazing that Star Trek barely lasted for three seasons, but it had such an overwhelming effect. Compare that to certain shows that have had much longer runs, but that you would struggle to even remember. I'm looking at you...show I can't remember that lasted longer than Star Trek. I guess it's the quality, not the quantity. And, say what you will about Star Trek, I don't think anyone can say it's not entertaining. So, why not do a top ten episodes list?
Now I'm not going to go into some big synopsis about the show or the characters. I would like to assume that everyone, even non-fans, know what the deal is. If not, I welcome you to do a bit of research, and then come back. Also, I may be giving some spoilers, so I'd say this list is for the true fans. I hope they all enjoy it. And forgive me if I leave out any obvious picks or put in some not so obvious ones, but, for one reason or another, these are my favorites. Here we go.
#10. "Charlie X" (Season 1) - Whilst we had many great characters on the Enterprise on a regular basis, we also got a lot of interesting ones showing up for only one episode. One of them was a guy named Charlie. So, the crew of the Enterprise takes aboard a seventeen-year-old kid who was found abandoned in some wreckage or something. Initially, he just seems a bit awkward and everyone tries to help him and whatnot, but then he starts to get a little obnoxious and showing that he, apparently, has some strange psychic powers. Seriously, he does this creepy, eyes roll back into his head thing. Weird. It seems to be triggered by this crush he gets on Yeoman Janice Rand, and why wouldn't that happen, what with that awesome beehive of hers? She does, however, ask Captain Kirk to speak to him about the proper way to treat a woman. Does anyone else find that a bit hilarious when you think about it? Anyway, Charlie does wreak some havoc, but they also show him as a bit sympathetic, proving that Star Trek can give us some complex characters. We also get some freestyle Uhura singing whilst Spock played a ... I'm not sure, I think it was like a Vulcan auto-harp or something. Good times. Oh, and a shirtless Captain Kirk. Something I found quite appealing at the time. Yeah, sorry.
#9. "This Side of Paradise" (Season 1) - So the Enterprise has to check on this Federation colony that has been exposed to some radiation and make sure they're okay. While there, Spock runs into this woman, Leila, who apparently had a thing for him back in the day, naturally. They also find these strange flowers that spray spores and make people act a bit weird. What everyone really remembers about this one is what happens to Spock. He gets sprayed and starts acting, for lack of a better word, human. He's laughing and swinging from tree branches and calling the captain 'Jim'. Okay, maybe the tree branch swinging isn't exactly 'human'. but whatever, it was still kind of great. It also did good to give Leonard Nimoy a chance to have some fun, as well. Finally. It can't be easy on the face muscles to remain so stoic all the time.
#8. "The Way to Eden" (Season 3) - Yes, this is my only pick from Season 3, and some people consider it one of the worst, actually. Sorry, but I find it very amusing. If you want me to call it a "good/bad" episode, fine. The basic plot in this one is that this doctor and his followers come aboard the Enterprise and demand to be taken to a planet that they consider paradise which they call Eden. Because...original! But let's be honest here. This one is all about the hippies. Yes, some members of this little group are, in fact, space hippies. Groovy. Hey, it was 1969. Are you really shocked at this? And they sing. More singing. Apparently, someone wanted a musical, and this is the closest we ever came, I think. Heading out to Eden, yea brother, indeed.
#7. "Who Mourns For Adonais?" (Season 2) - Hey, do you like Greek mythology? Well, then, you're either going to love this episode or hate it. Okay, the Enterprise is strolling along in space, as it tends to do, and they see a giant green hand, which grabs them. No lie. Then, they see the face of a guy with a golden wreath on his head, saying that they have to obey him or he'll crush them, which he does, a little bit. Anyway, Captain Kirk agrees to go down to his planet with a team. A team that does not include Spock, because space face does not like his pointed ears. Go figure. He does mention something about Pan, though. Turns out, that this guy claims to be the god, Apollo. He keeps referring to them as his children and that he wants to take care of them as long as they worship him. Oh, and he also gets the hots for this female lieutenant named Carolyn. Of course, he does. That's what the gods do, am I right? But, wait! Scotty also has a thing for her. Catfight! Well, Apollo does give her a dress that's a little, well, it's a tad revealing. I kid you not. She was barely covered on top, so I'm not really sure who gets a point in that one. Anyway, shenanigans ensue, but, eventually, Apollo turns out to be a bit of a cry baby. Don't they all.
#6. "Arena" (Season 1) - Kirk fights a giant lizard man and builds a gun that basically shoots diamonds. I'm sorry, do I have to tell you something else to explain why I love this episode?
#5. "The City on the Edge of Forever" (Season 1) - This episode is considered by a lot of people to be the best of the series. Obviously, I agree that it is very good. Okay, the plot. Somehow, Dr. McCoy, after tending to Sulu, accidentally injects himself with an overdose of cordrazine, whatever that is, and it makes him go a little crazy. He ends up beaming down to a planet and jumping through this time portal, where he alters the past and causes the ship and the whole Federation to be non-existent. Kirk and Spock must follow him and see what he altered, hopefully fixing it. They end up in NYC (Yay!) in the 1930's (Boo!) and meet an activist named Edith Keeler, played by Joan Collins. Shock of all shocks, Kirk falls for her. Unfortunately, she is supposed to die. What McCoy did was save her life which actually altered history. So they had to let her die to set things right. It actually is a very powerful episode, and the acting is really top notch. In fact, I would say it's some of Shatner's best.
#4. "Miri" (Season 1) - I think I may have mentioned that I'm not exactly a kid person, and this may be where it started. And I was a kid when I first saw it. After getting a distress signal from a planet that looks a lot like Earth, Kirk and his landing party head to it. First, they get attacked by a humanoid creature who is very strong and covered with bluish splotches. After they fight him off, he seizes and dies. Then, they find a young girl named Miri, who tells them that they are "grups" or grown-ups. The "grups" have all died, after turning crazy and violent. Holy crap! There is so much random stuff in the Star Trek world that can turn someone crazy. Anyway, it is because of this strange disease that there only children left, since it hits you when you reach puberty and start growing up. Really? Are you sure you don't want to say it hits you on your 16th birthday so you can be more cliche? Anyway, the disease that affects them is also starting to affect the landing party. Long story short (maybe), the kids go a little crazy, a little early I guess, trying to defend themselves. Crazy and kind of annoying. No, wait, really annoying. And, of course, Miri, the girl hitting puberty, crushes on Captain Kirk. Why not? Obviously, I'm not going to judge. I guess I should say something about the kiddie cast. Miri is played by Kim Darby, who would go on to success in the classic True Grit, and Michael J. Pollard was great as Jahn. Some of the kids had Star Trek ties, like the daughters of William Shatner and Gene Roddenberry and the sons of Grace Lee Whitney, who played Yeoman Rand. Also, we got John Megna, best known as 'Dill' from To Kill a Mockingbird., and Iona Morris and her little brother Phil. Yep, the wonderful Phil Morris, who would one day play The Martian Manhunter on Smallville, was in this episode. WOW! This guy loves outer space!
#3. "Space Seed" (Season 2) - And here we have the episode that led us to the greatest of the Star Trek films, Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan. Yes, it is here where we first meet Khan Noonien Singh, a villain that will live in infamy and get a legacy all his own in the world of Star Trek. And Ricardo Montalban. Just...Ricardo Montalban. I really have nothing else to say about this one.
#2. "Mirror, Mirror" (Season 2) - Have you ever seen a show where a character has an evil twin or an evil clone and said evil one shows their evilness by the fact that they have a goatee? I think this may have been the inspiration for that. This is the one where Kirk, Uhura, Scotty and McCoy get sucked into some kind of parallel universe where the Enterprise is a little different. Different, like Spock has a goatee, and everyone is more savage. I mean, even Sulu, and I hate to use this word, gets a tad 'rapey'. Yeah, everyone kind of hams it up in this episode, and it is actually very entertaining.
#1. "The Trouble With Tribbles" (Season 2) - I like to laugh, and this episode never fails to make me laugh. And whilst the other children were asking for puppies and kitties as pets, I had my hand out waiting for a Tribble. They purred! Seriously, they full-on purred! I don't even think I have to go into plot here. The point is that the antogonists-ish are these little balls of fur. Of course, we get an actual bad guy in the end, but these little suckers annoy the crap out of the crew as they multiply. Yes, I said multiply. I know that, for the most part, this series is a drama, but, to me, this comedically charged episode is the absolute best.
And there you have it. I don't know if I can be called an actual Trekkie, since I don't really own any memorabilia, I've never been to any cons, and I certainly have never dressed up as a character. But I am certainly a fan of Star Trek. It's just straight up, really great entertainment. Always has been, always will be.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Movie 43 - Movie Review
Greetings,
I know that officially I referred to this as a review in the post title, but let me amend that a bit by calling it a warning. See, I enjoy writing reviews on my blog, and I have a lot of fun talking about less than good films. I devoted an entire week to doing so, after all. And even though I might discourage you all from seeing something if I think it sucks, I usually say, in the end, that if you think you'd like it despite the quality and whatnot, go ahead and check it out. Today, however, I will be telling you all straight up to not see this movie. And the film I speak of is Movie 43. Perhaps, you've heard of it.
For those of you who, thankfully, have never come across anything about this movie, let me give you some info. Not too much, though, because I don't want you to have the bad dreams. Movie 43 is a "comedy" anthology film consisting of a bunch of sketches with different actors, writers and directors, all with the framing of a guy pitching ideas. I know that doesn't sound so bad, but that's only because I haven't gone into any detail on it, and I don't think I will very much. But I do believe I can say, with absolutely no hyperbole, that this is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life. Ever.
As I said, there are different types of bad movies. The funny ones, the crazy ones, the boring ones, right? This is none of those. This is uncomfortable bad. Very uncomfortable. I mean, it is tasteless and disgusting and humorless and literally pointless. There is not a single redeeming quality in this thing. Not one. Well, unless you enjoy things like bestiality, racism, incest and just a touch of child pornography. Yeah, I consider a girl of fifteen or so to be a child, forgive me. I guess somebody thought that this all was a good idea. So, needless to say, the content is my biggest problem here, but let's get to my other biggest problem. Let's get to the cast.
I am utterly dumbfounded at the level of acting talent they got to be in this film. Seriously, if you just saw half the cast list, you would think someone was producing an epic masterpiece of cinema. Obviously, that is not what happened. Now, don't get me wrong. There are plenty of actors here that I would expect to see in a film this crude. People like Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, and Seth MacFarlane. Yes, I was not shocked that they were a part of this. I am, however, shocked that Adam Sandler didn't show up here, what with his history of trying to convince the world that pedophilia is hilarious. But then we have other actors who are not only good, but critically acclaimed and highly respected. People like Kate Winslet, Gerard Butler, Uma Thurman, who probably did this to overshadow her Poison Ivy past, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, who clearly did this to prove that, yes, she could sink lower than Catwoman, Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber, who I'm guessing is here because he thought we needed another reason to believe that his brother is a better actor than he is. Yeah, Liev, your little bro has played a guy named "Pornstache" and it's still more respectable than this. Seriously though, I really just don't know how or why all of these people agreed to be a part of this abomination. Although, I have heard some stories where that is concerned, none of which I will discuss, because they are way WAY too despicable. Just trust that there are a lot more abhorrent people in Hollywood than any of us ever imagined.
Okay, I know I said very little about this "movie", but I can't take even thinking about it anymore. Let me end this already. As someone who truly cares about you, my readers, I am pleading with you to never, ever put yourself through a viewing of this film. Warn your friends, warn your family to just stay away. You will thank me and anyone else who tells you not to watch this. There are plenty of good bad movies out there. You don't need to put yourself through this.
You know, I will end by saying one positive thing about this movie. At least, they cut out the part with the necrophilia. No, I'm not kidding.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
I know that officially I referred to this as a review in the post title, but let me amend that a bit by calling it a warning. See, I enjoy writing reviews on my blog, and I have a lot of fun talking about less than good films. I devoted an entire week to doing so, after all. And even though I might discourage you all from seeing something if I think it sucks, I usually say, in the end, that if you think you'd like it despite the quality and whatnot, go ahead and check it out. Today, however, I will be telling you all straight up to not see this movie. And the film I speak of is Movie 43. Perhaps, you've heard of it.
For those of you who, thankfully, have never come across anything about this movie, let me give you some info. Not too much, though, because I don't want you to have the bad dreams. Movie 43 is a "comedy" anthology film consisting of a bunch of sketches with different actors, writers and directors, all with the framing of a guy pitching ideas. I know that doesn't sound so bad, but that's only because I haven't gone into any detail on it, and I don't think I will very much. But I do believe I can say, with absolutely no hyperbole, that this is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life. Ever.
As I said, there are different types of bad movies. The funny ones, the crazy ones, the boring ones, right? This is none of those. This is uncomfortable bad. Very uncomfortable. I mean, it is tasteless and disgusting and humorless and literally pointless. There is not a single redeeming quality in this thing. Not one. Well, unless you enjoy things like bestiality, racism, incest and just a touch of child pornography. Yeah, I consider a girl of fifteen or so to be a child, forgive me. I guess somebody thought that this all was a good idea. So, needless to say, the content is my biggest problem here, but let's get to my other biggest problem. Let's get to the cast.
I am utterly dumbfounded at the level of acting talent they got to be in this film. Seriously, if you just saw half the cast list, you would think someone was producing an epic masterpiece of cinema. Obviously, that is not what happened. Now, don't get me wrong. There are plenty of actors here that I would expect to see in a film this crude. People like Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, and Seth MacFarlane. Yes, I was not shocked that they were a part of this. I am, however, shocked that Adam Sandler didn't show up here, what with his history of trying to convince the world that pedophilia is hilarious. But then we have other actors who are not only good, but critically acclaimed and highly respected. People like Kate Winslet, Gerard Butler, Uma Thurman, who probably did this to overshadow her Poison Ivy past, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, who clearly did this to prove that, yes, she could sink lower than Catwoman, Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber, who I'm guessing is here because he thought we needed another reason to believe that his brother is a better actor than he is. Yeah, Liev, your little bro has played a guy named "Pornstache" and it's still more respectable than this. Seriously though, I really just don't know how or why all of these people agreed to be a part of this abomination. Although, I have heard some stories where that is concerned, none of which I will discuss, because they are way WAY too despicable. Just trust that there are a lot more abhorrent people in Hollywood than any of us ever imagined.
Okay, I know I said very little about this "movie", but I can't take even thinking about it anymore. Let me end this already. As someone who truly cares about you, my readers, I am pleading with you to never, ever put yourself through a viewing of this film. Warn your friends, warn your family to just stay away. You will thank me and anyone else who tells you not to watch this. There are plenty of good bad movies out there. You don't need to put yourself through this.
You know, I will end by saying one positive thing about this movie. At least, they cut out the part with the necrophilia. No, I'm not kidding.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
Friday, November 1, 2013
Supergirl - Movie Review
Greetings,
I think we have gotten spoiled in the past few years, especially when it comes to our superhero movies. Just look at those last few years. Now, I'm not saying I like all. In fact, I mostly do NOT like them. Still, they look good, I guess, and I assume at least a few people are trying. But, my word, has it been a roller coaster ride where these films are concerned, in the past thirty years. We still see some bad ones occasionally, and back in the day, we had a few good ones. But what I remember as a child in the realm of superhero movies was not very positive. I had things like Superman 3, Superman 4 and, my review target for today, Supergirl. Yes, I am picking on Krypton today, it would seem. They'll get over it.
When I speak of the fact that we've always had some bad superhero movies, I think of how a lot of them have one thing in common. Every one that has had a female protagonist has been considered, at best, not so good, and, at worst, downright horrible. That could be for any number of reasons, but I've always felt like no one ever bothered to put a ton of effort into them. One of the pioneers of such was the 1984 film, Supergirl. This one landed right smack in the middle of the whole Superman movie franchise. I think a lot was riding on this, due to the disappointment of Superman 3. In fact, I heard rumors that the plot was supposed to center on Superman falling prey to a female villain and Supergirl coming to help him. Then, that got whittled down to him having a cameo, then just nothing. And we ended up with a very confusing and convoluted plot, such as it was, which left a lot of people wondering "What the heck?" So I suppose that means that my sharing the story with you will be difficult for us all. I'll try though, and P.S. Spoilers!
The movie starts in Argo City, which was once a part of Krypton, but somehow broke off when it exploded and managed to survive. Is that even possible? Anyway, we meet a pre-Supergirl Kara Zor-El played by Helen Slater. She lives there with her parents, Zor-El and Alura played by Simon Ward and Mia Farrow. And she has a creepy old guy, best friend named Zaltar. And it's Peter O'Toole, in the role that screamed, "Okay, you won't give me an Oscar. Now I'm gonna act like someone who doesn't deserve one!" To be fair, I don't think the bad performance in this was his fault. Most likely, the crap of the script rubbed off on him. Anyway, Zaltar's got this magic wand that he makes stuff with, like trees, and Kara is impressed. She's even more impressed when she sees that, in order to bring life to his art, he has taken the Omegahedron, the power source of the whole city. Yeah, so I'm all for suffering for my art, even making others suffer occasionally, but risking the lives of everyone I know would be pushing it a little even for me. Especially when the entire rest of the planet has already blown up!! Cautious much!
Anyway, they talk about Earth, to where Kara knows that her cousin has gone. Her cousin who WE know as Superman and Clark Kent, but who she only knows as Kal-El. Keep this mind because it is very important later. So Zaltar speaks of leaving with Kara and then with Kara's mother, as the young girl uses the wand to make a bug looking creature, which she brings to life. It ends up flying around and busting a hole through the sheet of plastic that protects the city. Exactly. Why would a city that comes from a world that just blew up take precautions greater than that of covering themselves with plastic wrap? Anywho, the Omegahedron gets sucked through said hole, as does Kara almost. Then, everyone gets mad at Zaltar for taking the power source and losing it, which will result in the slow death of the city. Yeah, they are justified. He says he'll go get it in this ball looking spaceship thingy, but Kara climbs in it first, and off she goes. Kids, am I right?
Okay, so f I'm going to give this film any compliment concerning the special effects, I must admit that the visuals they have as she's going through space are pretty cool to see. Oh, and speaking of space, may we now address the thing about this film that has been cause for much confusion over the decades. When Zaltar is talking about Earth and the other planets, he tells her that those places are in outer space, but Argo City is in inner space. What the crap? I've also heard it referred to as the space between spaces, which doesn't help much. So I did a little research to see if I could get a decent explanation. The main consensus seems to be that inner space is another dimension which exists between water molecules deep in the ocean. Go figure. However, if that is true, explain to me how the Omegahedron falls out of the sky when it comes to Earth. Oh, and she apparently got her powers when she goes from inner space to outer space. Way to retcon the entire reason as to why Kryptonians have special powers in our world. I say we just call all of this Hollywood science and move on.
So, we watch Kara on her journey for a couple of minutes, then cut to some people on a picnic by the lake. And it's Faye Dunaway playing an "I wanna rule the world" magic lady named Selena, and she is with her boyfr-..uh...partn-...no...dude she hangs out with, Nigel. All of a sudden, the Omegahedron falls from the sky into a bowl of ... something that makes a squishy noise when stuff falls into it. Somehow, Selena knows that this thing is magic and decides to use it to take over the world, as you do. In the meantime, Kara emerges from a lake and starts crushing rocks and using her heat vision to make flowers bloom and flying hither and yon. My, she certainly has learned to use her powers quickly. You know what she's not doing quickly? Looking for the power source to take back to her city in order to save the lives of everyone she knows! I guess we can give her the benefit of the doubt, since she got a little distracted due to being almost assaulted by a couple of guys in an alley. Yes, this is a thing that happens quite soon after her arrival on Earth. Why did this scene happen? Filler, maybe? Also, this is where she reveals that she knows that her cousin is Superman on Earth. I don't know HOW she knows that, since there is no way she could. Oh, wait, the script told her.
Anyway, thanks to this little detector bracelet that Zaltar made for her, Kara figures out(finally)that the Omegahedron is in the vicinity of an all girls school, which apparently means she has to enroll there. What? But here's where things get even more ridiculous. First, she changes her clothes and hair, magically, by walking behind trees. So be it. Next, she meets the principal where she joins the school with the name Linda Lee and says she was recommended by her cousin, Clark Kent. Again, how does she know that's what his alias is? There is literally no way! And, then, the cherry on top is that her roommate ends up being Lucy Lane, as in Lois Lane's sister. Also, Jimmy Olsen is in town because he is sort of dating Lucy. WHAT are the flippin' odds? And Linda/Kara proceeds to spend her time doing a bunch of schoolgirl things, because she has nothing better to do apparently. Now please don't say to me that this is no different than Superman integrating himself into life with the humans. There is a huge difference. Superman is on Earth pretty much permanently, so he must create an alternate life. Supergirl, however, is on the clock. She doesn't have time for this silliness. But, whatever, we need something to drive the plot forward.
In the meantime, Selena has decided that this random landscaper dude named Ethan is going to be her consort as she rules the world. Yeah, good choice. He was cute and all, but he could barely put a sentence together. Anyway, she gives him a love potion that will make him fall in love with the first person he sees when he wakes up ... for a day. Yeah, the spell lasts for a day. But Selena gets distracted, landscaper dude wakes up and wanders out of her house and into the town, where Selena sends a bulldozer to catch him and bring him back. Whatever works. But it doesn't. Havoc is wreaked, there is collateral damage, Dirty Harry style, except not near as cool, and Supergirl saves Ethan. So, of course, he wakes up and sees her, as Linda, mind you, and falls in love with her. Selena freaks out, because she's watching from her crystal ball. May I remind her that the spell only lasts a day. Wait it out, sister. And, ultimately, this is what our superhero movie will become. Two girls fighting over a boy. What the heck?
Oh, sure, they try to toss some things in there, like Kara getting sent to the Phantom Zone where she finds Zaltar only to lose him again. Why even bother? And, of course, the lame battle at the end where Supergirl, at one point, apparently forgets that she can fly, but eventually beats Selena and takes the Omegahedron back home. But that was just to throw us off the scent that this was nothing but a bad chick flick with occasional superpowers. Because what else are you going to do with a female protagonist AND antagonist? All girls do is fight over boys. Well, that and shop, but I guess we didn't have time for that. And that is the movie.
So, in my opinion, I think this thing had potential to be, if not very good, at least, a little good. But everything went awry and we ended up with this. You know, I actually think Helen Slater wasn't that bad as Supergirl. She just had nothing to work with. And Peter O'Toole and Faye Dunaway, what were you doing here? Look, in the realm of bad movies, I say check this out once, just to say you've seen it. And mock it. But once is enough. Still, if you want a great Supergirl thing to watch, get yourself to Smallville Season 7. That will make it all better.
Love and full moon,
Becky the Writer
I think we have gotten spoiled in the past few years, especially when it comes to our superhero movies. Just look at those last few years. Now, I'm not saying I like all. In fact, I mostly do NOT like them. Still, they look good, I guess, and I assume at least a few people are trying. But, my word, has it been a roller coaster ride where these films are concerned, in the past thirty years. We still see some bad ones occasionally, and back in the day, we had a few good ones. But what I remember as a child in the realm of superhero movies was not very positive. I had things like Superman 3, Superman 4 and, my review target for today, Supergirl. Yes, I am picking on Krypton today, it would seem. They'll get over it.
When I speak of the fact that we've always had some bad superhero movies, I think of how a lot of them have one thing in common. Every one that has had a female protagonist has been considered, at best, not so good, and, at worst, downright horrible. That could be for any number of reasons, but I've always felt like no one ever bothered to put a ton of effort into them. One of the pioneers of such was the 1984 film, Supergirl. This one landed right smack in the middle of the whole Superman movie franchise. I think a lot was riding on this, due to the disappointment of Superman 3. In fact, I heard rumors that the plot was supposed to center on Superman falling prey to a female villain and Supergirl coming to help him. Then, that got whittled down to him having a cameo, then just nothing. And we ended up with a very confusing and convoluted plot, such as it was, which left a lot of people wondering "What the heck?" So I suppose that means that my sharing the story with you will be difficult for us all. I'll try though, and P.S. Spoilers!
The movie starts in Argo City, which was once a part of Krypton, but somehow broke off when it exploded and managed to survive. Is that even possible? Anyway, we meet a pre-Supergirl Kara Zor-El played by Helen Slater. She lives there with her parents, Zor-El and Alura played by Simon Ward and Mia Farrow. And she has a creepy old guy, best friend named Zaltar. And it's Peter O'Toole, in the role that screamed, "Okay, you won't give me an Oscar. Now I'm gonna act like someone who doesn't deserve one!" To be fair, I don't think the bad performance in this was his fault. Most likely, the crap of the script rubbed off on him. Anyway, Zaltar's got this magic wand that he makes stuff with, like trees, and Kara is impressed. She's even more impressed when she sees that, in order to bring life to his art, he has taken the Omegahedron, the power source of the whole city. Yeah, so I'm all for suffering for my art, even making others suffer occasionally, but risking the lives of everyone I know would be pushing it a little even for me. Especially when the entire rest of the planet has already blown up!! Cautious much!
Anyway, they talk about Earth, to where Kara knows that her cousin has gone. Her cousin who WE know as Superman and Clark Kent, but who she only knows as Kal-El. Keep this mind because it is very important later. So Zaltar speaks of leaving with Kara and then with Kara's mother, as the young girl uses the wand to make a bug looking creature, which she brings to life. It ends up flying around and busting a hole through the sheet of plastic that protects the city. Exactly. Why would a city that comes from a world that just blew up take precautions greater than that of covering themselves with plastic wrap? Anywho, the Omegahedron gets sucked through said hole, as does Kara almost. Then, everyone gets mad at Zaltar for taking the power source and losing it, which will result in the slow death of the city. Yeah, they are justified. He says he'll go get it in this ball looking spaceship thingy, but Kara climbs in it first, and off she goes. Kids, am I right?
Okay, so f I'm going to give this film any compliment concerning the special effects, I must admit that the visuals they have as she's going through space are pretty cool to see. Oh, and speaking of space, may we now address the thing about this film that has been cause for much confusion over the decades. When Zaltar is talking about Earth and the other planets, he tells her that those places are in outer space, but Argo City is in inner space. What the crap? I've also heard it referred to as the space between spaces, which doesn't help much. So I did a little research to see if I could get a decent explanation. The main consensus seems to be that inner space is another dimension which exists between water molecules deep in the ocean. Go figure. However, if that is true, explain to me how the Omegahedron falls out of the sky when it comes to Earth. Oh, and she apparently got her powers when she goes from inner space to outer space. Way to retcon the entire reason as to why Kryptonians have special powers in our world. I say we just call all of this Hollywood science and move on.
So, we watch Kara on her journey for a couple of minutes, then cut to some people on a picnic by the lake. And it's Faye Dunaway playing an "I wanna rule the world" magic lady named Selena, and she is with her boyfr-..uh...partn-...no...dude she hangs out with, Nigel. All of a sudden, the Omegahedron falls from the sky into a bowl of ... something that makes a squishy noise when stuff falls into it. Somehow, Selena knows that this thing is magic and decides to use it to take over the world, as you do. In the meantime, Kara emerges from a lake and starts crushing rocks and using her heat vision to make flowers bloom and flying hither and yon. My, she certainly has learned to use her powers quickly. You know what she's not doing quickly? Looking for the power source to take back to her city in order to save the lives of everyone she knows! I guess we can give her the benefit of the doubt, since she got a little distracted due to being almost assaulted by a couple of guys in an alley. Yes, this is a thing that happens quite soon after her arrival on Earth. Why did this scene happen? Filler, maybe? Also, this is where she reveals that she knows that her cousin is Superman on Earth. I don't know HOW she knows that, since there is no way she could. Oh, wait, the script told her.
Anyway, thanks to this little detector bracelet that Zaltar made for her, Kara figures out(finally)that the Omegahedron is in the vicinity of an all girls school, which apparently means she has to enroll there. What? But here's where things get even more ridiculous. First, she changes her clothes and hair, magically, by walking behind trees. So be it. Next, she meets the principal where she joins the school with the name Linda Lee and says she was recommended by her cousin, Clark Kent. Again, how does she know that's what his alias is? There is literally no way! And, then, the cherry on top is that her roommate ends up being Lucy Lane, as in Lois Lane's sister. Also, Jimmy Olsen is in town because he is sort of dating Lucy. WHAT are the flippin' odds? And Linda/Kara proceeds to spend her time doing a bunch of schoolgirl things, because she has nothing better to do apparently. Now please don't say to me that this is no different than Superman integrating himself into life with the humans. There is a huge difference. Superman is on Earth pretty much permanently, so he must create an alternate life. Supergirl, however, is on the clock. She doesn't have time for this silliness. But, whatever, we need something to drive the plot forward.
In the meantime, Selena has decided that this random landscaper dude named Ethan is going to be her consort as she rules the world. Yeah, good choice. He was cute and all, but he could barely put a sentence together. Anyway, she gives him a love potion that will make him fall in love with the first person he sees when he wakes up ... for a day. Yeah, the spell lasts for a day. But Selena gets distracted, landscaper dude wakes up and wanders out of her house and into the town, where Selena sends a bulldozer to catch him and bring him back. Whatever works. But it doesn't. Havoc is wreaked, there is collateral damage, Dirty Harry style, except not near as cool, and Supergirl saves Ethan. So, of course, he wakes up and sees her, as Linda, mind you, and falls in love with her. Selena freaks out, because she's watching from her crystal ball. May I remind her that the spell only lasts a day. Wait it out, sister. And, ultimately, this is what our superhero movie will become. Two girls fighting over a boy. What the heck?
Oh, sure, they try to toss some things in there, like Kara getting sent to the Phantom Zone where she finds Zaltar only to lose him again. Why even bother? And, of course, the lame battle at the end where Supergirl, at one point, apparently forgets that she can fly, but eventually beats Selena and takes the Omegahedron back home. But that was just to throw us off the scent that this was nothing but a bad chick flick with occasional superpowers. Because what else are you going to do with a female protagonist AND antagonist? All girls do is fight over boys. Well, that and shop, but I guess we didn't have time for that. And that is the movie.
So, in my opinion, I think this thing had potential to be, if not very good, at least, a little good. But everything went awry and we ended up with this. You know, I actually think Helen Slater wasn't that bad as Supergirl. She just had nothing to work with. And Peter O'Toole and Faye Dunaway, what were you doing here? Look, in the realm of bad movies, I say check this out once, just to say you've seen it. And mock it. But once is enough. Still, if you want a great Supergirl thing to watch, get yourself to Smallville Season 7. That will make it all better.
Love and full moon,
Becky the Writer
Thursday, October 31, 2013
The Haunting (1999) - Movie Review
Greetings,
Remakes. What the heck with remakes? I seem to recall doing an entire post about this less than stellar phenomenon, one I still do not understand. And the reason why I don't get it is because, much more often than not, the people in Hollywood make the genius decision to take a movie that is already good, sometimes near perfect, and wrongly think that they can improve upon it. Yes, they really did a lot to make better films like Psycho or House of Wax or, today's target, 1999's The Haunting.
This movie was based on the 1963 film of the same name. Now I may, one day, do a review of that, so I don't plan on saying too much, though I may have to bring up some comparisons. It's almost necessary. I can begin by saying that the original The Haunting is pretty much brilliant. It's not so much a horror movie as it is a psychological thriller. It's all about Dr. Markway (Richard Johnson) taking three people to a house that is believed to be haunted. No kidding. He chooses people who are in some way connected to the paranormal. First, there's Theo (Claire Bloom) who is a psychic, and Luke (Russ Tamblyn), the heir to who currently owns the house and a skeptic. But who we focus most on here is Eleanor, or Nell (Julie Harris). She is a timid woman who has spent years caring for her invalid mother and doesn't really understand why she was chosen for this. As the story continues, we begin to see Nell mentally unraveling, but also beginning to feel strangely comfortable in the house. As the audience, we start to wonder if the haunting referred to in the title is less about the house and more about Nell and her personal demons. And for most of the movie, you don't know if it's all ghosts or just her. All of this gives the film a depth and complexity that one normally doesn't find in a supposed horror movie. There is this incredible subtlety to everything that happens, as to make you think about all the events you are witnessing.
When it comes to the technical aspects of The Haunting, it's just a wonderfully made film. Robert Wise was the director, so, obviously, you're probably not going to be disappointed. He did an amazing job at making every little thing count. The sets were perfect, especially the house they got for the exteriors. You feel uneasy just looking at it. And the most important thing is that it was filmed in black and white. Robert Wise even had it put into the contract that it had to be filmed that way, and he was very right. I try to imagine what this movie would have looked like in color, and it just wouldn't have worked.
Bottom line is that this is a brilliant piece of cinema that should be seen by everyone. It was so brilliant that thirty-something years later, someone decided that they could make it better because they had computer stuff and whatnot. Yeah, no. And so that brings us to the remake of The Haunting. Oh, dear. And, again, major, major spoilers ahead.
So this movie was made in 1999, directed by Jan de Bont. Yeah, that's a mixed bag on that one. I mean, sure, he directed Speed, but he also directed Speed 2. So, yeah. It stars Liam Neeson as Dr. Marrow, Lili Taylor as Eleanor/Nell, Catherine Zeta-Jones as Theo and Owen Wilson as Luke. Not a bad cast. They would have been even better if they had something substantial to work with, but whatever.
Now this remake has several differences from the original, starting with the reason why the doctor brought them to the house. He claims to be doing a study on insomnia, which is what he will be telling his subjects, but it's really a study in fear. I don't really get that change. Plus, it strikes me as something that might be, if not illegal, certainly unethical. Oh, well. Hippocratic oath, schmippocratic oath. Am I right? Anyway, we eventually meet all our characters, starting with Eleanor. In this version, she is also a woman who was taking care of her sick mother, but, though she's not the most outgoing person, she doesn't seem nearly as timid or shy as the original. Then, we get our Luke, who is in no way related to anyone having to do with the house. Nope, he's just some kind of irritating guy, who may or may not be a little high. Or, perhaps, that's just Owen Wilson. And, finally, there's Theo. Hey, remember how I mentioned the subtle way things were handled in the first movie? Not here, and certainly not with Theo. In the original, they simply and barely implied that she might be a lesbian or bisexual, probably because, back then, they couldn't have non-heterosexual characters in films as easily as they do today. In the remake, we are reminded of her sexuality with pretty much every line she says and every action she shows. I mean, look, it's fine if being bisexual is a character trait, but it kind of became her only character trait, and that's not what this film was supposed to be about. Moving on.
So they all get to the house, including two of Dr. Marrow's (don't get attached)assistants, and before they go to bed, he tells them the story of the house's original owner, Hugh Crain and his wife, Renee. They wanted kids, but never got to have any, due to the fact that they all died at birth. This caused Renee to kill herself and Crain to become a recluse. Um, nighty-night, everyone? Oh, wait, no. Before they actually go to bed, we see a piano unwind one of its wires and attack one of the assistants causing both of them to have to leave. So, I guess the mystery of whether or not the house is really haunted has been taken care of. Don't get me wrong, though. I would have been quite happy if all the effects in this thing were as practical looking as that first one. That is not what happens. More on that later.
And then, off to bed with everyone, including the doctor, because he's ... not doing any scientific studies on their sleep/fear? Seriously, wouldn't his whole thing, no matter which it is, require him to do some observation, maybe take some notes? I don't know. During the night, Eleanor and Theo are woken up by some banging in the walls. Everyone gathers in the kitchen where Luke suggests it might be noise from the old pipes. They all think that could have been the explanation. Well, THEY think that. WE don't, because we already know the place is officially haunted. Remember, piano incident? Actually, the whole 'noise in the walls' scene was done fairly well, but then we get to our next 'scary' scene, or as I call it, the "Welcome to the Movie, CGI. You're Never Gonna Leave, Are You?" I'm not kidding. The film becomes like seventy percent CGI after this point, though I might be being kind about that.
First, Eleanor starts seeing these little ghost children under her sheets, which doesn't freak her out all that much for some reason. It would freak me out, but I don't like kids, really, so that could be it. Then, the house starts to pull the big time scaries by making mean faces at her. No lie. The room she is in scrunches up and turns into a mean face. What the heck? Now, one thing that was the same in both films was Eleanor starting to pretty much fall in love with the house, but in the first movie, it's presented as being creepy and kind of disturbing, which it was. Here, it's almost painted as delightful and comforting and, dare I say it, whimsical. No, movie, it is not any of those things. It's creepy. But that's just the start, because soon everyone finds Eleanor in this little room she discovered in the house. It is apparently the room where a baby was born to Hugh Crain's second wife, Carolyn. Wait, who? Oh, but we're done yet. Eleanor informs everyone that SHE is, in fact, Carolyn's and Crain's great, great granddaughter. She says that Crain stole children from the mills, murdered them and burned them in the fireplace so that they'd have to stay in the house with him forever, and she is the only one who can help the children pass on. WHAT! This makes no sense! Certainly not in context of the original story. And...help them pass on? You are not Jennifer Love Hewitt, woman! But, wait, there's more!
They all try to run out, but the house locks them in. Which brings us to the most hilariously awesome scene in the film. I'll just say it involves Owen Wilson and the giant fireplace. Perhaps, you've heard of this. There's got to be a clip of it somewhere, and I suggest you find it. Anyway, it ends with Eleanor facing the ghost of Crain, spouting off all this nonsense that it's about family, calling him 'Grandpa', no less and some crap, then she defeats him with the power of love or some crap and goes to Heaven or wherever with the spirits of the children. Again, WHAT! And everyone who survived leaves. The end.
Hey, movie..BITE ME!
Yeah, I just can't with this thing. Seriously, if you look up any top ten list of the worst remakes ever, chances are, you'll find this one there. It's pretty bad. Forget the fact that the people who made it were arrogant enough to think they could improve upon the brilliance of the original because they had computers and stuff, but even as a standalone, it's not very good either. It's too much and not enough. So, if you want to watch a good movie called The Haunting, hustle yourself back to 1963. If you want a movie called The Haunting for bad movie night, this one can probably be added to your list.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
Remakes. What the heck with remakes? I seem to recall doing an entire post about this less than stellar phenomenon, one I still do not understand. And the reason why I don't get it is because, much more often than not, the people in Hollywood make the genius decision to take a movie that is already good, sometimes near perfect, and wrongly think that they can improve upon it. Yes, they really did a lot to make better films like Psycho or House of Wax or, today's target, 1999's The Haunting.
This movie was based on the 1963 film of the same name. Now I may, one day, do a review of that, so I don't plan on saying too much, though I may have to bring up some comparisons. It's almost necessary. I can begin by saying that the original The Haunting is pretty much brilliant. It's not so much a horror movie as it is a psychological thriller. It's all about Dr. Markway (Richard Johnson) taking three people to a house that is believed to be haunted. No kidding. He chooses people who are in some way connected to the paranormal. First, there's Theo (Claire Bloom) who is a psychic, and Luke (Russ Tamblyn), the heir to who currently owns the house and a skeptic. But who we focus most on here is Eleanor, or Nell (Julie Harris). She is a timid woman who has spent years caring for her invalid mother and doesn't really understand why she was chosen for this. As the story continues, we begin to see Nell mentally unraveling, but also beginning to feel strangely comfortable in the house. As the audience, we start to wonder if the haunting referred to in the title is less about the house and more about Nell and her personal demons. And for most of the movie, you don't know if it's all ghosts or just her. All of this gives the film a depth and complexity that one normally doesn't find in a supposed horror movie. There is this incredible subtlety to everything that happens, as to make you think about all the events you are witnessing.
When it comes to the technical aspects of The Haunting, it's just a wonderfully made film. Robert Wise was the director, so, obviously, you're probably not going to be disappointed. He did an amazing job at making every little thing count. The sets were perfect, especially the house they got for the exteriors. You feel uneasy just looking at it. And the most important thing is that it was filmed in black and white. Robert Wise even had it put into the contract that it had to be filmed that way, and he was very right. I try to imagine what this movie would have looked like in color, and it just wouldn't have worked.
Bottom line is that this is a brilliant piece of cinema that should be seen by everyone. It was so brilliant that thirty-something years later, someone decided that they could make it better because they had computer stuff and whatnot. Yeah, no. And so that brings us to the remake of The Haunting. Oh, dear. And, again, major, major spoilers ahead.
So this movie was made in 1999, directed by Jan de Bont. Yeah, that's a mixed bag on that one. I mean, sure, he directed Speed, but he also directed Speed 2. So, yeah. It stars Liam Neeson as Dr. Marrow, Lili Taylor as Eleanor/Nell, Catherine Zeta-Jones as Theo and Owen Wilson as Luke. Not a bad cast. They would have been even better if they had something substantial to work with, but whatever.
Now this remake has several differences from the original, starting with the reason why the doctor brought them to the house. He claims to be doing a study on insomnia, which is what he will be telling his subjects, but it's really a study in fear. I don't really get that change. Plus, it strikes me as something that might be, if not illegal, certainly unethical. Oh, well. Hippocratic oath, schmippocratic oath. Am I right? Anyway, we eventually meet all our characters, starting with Eleanor. In this version, she is also a woman who was taking care of her sick mother, but, though she's not the most outgoing person, she doesn't seem nearly as timid or shy as the original. Then, we get our Luke, who is in no way related to anyone having to do with the house. Nope, he's just some kind of irritating guy, who may or may not be a little high. Or, perhaps, that's just Owen Wilson. And, finally, there's Theo. Hey, remember how I mentioned the subtle way things were handled in the first movie? Not here, and certainly not with Theo. In the original, they simply and barely implied that she might be a lesbian or bisexual, probably because, back then, they couldn't have non-heterosexual characters in films as easily as they do today. In the remake, we are reminded of her sexuality with pretty much every line she says and every action she shows. I mean, look, it's fine if being bisexual is a character trait, but it kind of became her only character trait, and that's not what this film was supposed to be about. Moving on.
So they all get to the house, including two of Dr. Marrow's (don't get attached)assistants, and before they go to bed, he tells them the story of the house's original owner, Hugh Crain and his wife, Renee. They wanted kids, but never got to have any, due to the fact that they all died at birth. This caused Renee to kill herself and Crain to become a recluse. Um, nighty-night, everyone? Oh, wait, no. Before they actually go to bed, we see a piano unwind one of its wires and attack one of the assistants causing both of them to have to leave. So, I guess the mystery of whether or not the house is really haunted has been taken care of. Don't get me wrong, though. I would have been quite happy if all the effects in this thing were as practical looking as that first one. That is not what happens. More on that later.
And then, off to bed with everyone, including the doctor, because he's ... not doing any scientific studies on their sleep/fear? Seriously, wouldn't his whole thing, no matter which it is, require him to do some observation, maybe take some notes? I don't know. During the night, Eleanor and Theo are woken up by some banging in the walls. Everyone gathers in the kitchen where Luke suggests it might be noise from the old pipes. They all think that could have been the explanation. Well, THEY think that. WE don't, because we already know the place is officially haunted. Remember, piano incident? Actually, the whole 'noise in the walls' scene was done fairly well, but then we get to our next 'scary' scene, or as I call it, the "Welcome to the Movie, CGI. You're Never Gonna Leave, Are You?" I'm not kidding. The film becomes like seventy percent CGI after this point, though I might be being kind about that.
First, Eleanor starts seeing these little ghost children under her sheets, which doesn't freak her out all that much for some reason. It would freak me out, but I don't like kids, really, so that could be it. Then, the house starts to pull the big time scaries by making mean faces at her. No lie. The room she is in scrunches up and turns into a mean face. What the heck? Now, one thing that was the same in both films was Eleanor starting to pretty much fall in love with the house, but in the first movie, it's presented as being creepy and kind of disturbing, which it was. Here, it's almost painted as delightful and comforting and, dare I say it, whimsical. No, movie, it is not any of those things. It's creepy. But that's just the start, because soon everyone finds Eleanor in this little room she discovered in the house. It is apparently the room where a baby was born to Hugh Crain's second wife, Carolyn. Wait, who? Oh, but we're done yet. Eleanor informs everyone that SHE is, in fact, Carolyn's and Crain's great, great granddaughter. She says that Crain stole children from the mills, murdered them and burned them in the fireplace so that they'd have to stay in the house with him forever, and she is the only one who can help the children pass on. WHAT! This makes no sense! Certainly not in context of the original story. And...help them pass on? You are not Jennifer Love Hewitt, woman! But, wait, there's more!
They all try to run out, but the house locks them in. Which brings us to the most hilariously awesome scene in the film. I'll just say it involves Owen Wilson and the giant fireplace. Perhaps, you've heard of this. There's got to be a clip of it somewhere, and I suggest you find it. Anyway, it ends with Eleanor facing the ghost of Crain, spouting off all this nonsense that it's about family, calling him 'Grandpa', no less and some crap, then she defeats him with the power of love or some crap and goes to Heaven or wherever with the spirits of the children. Again, WHAT! And everyone who survived leaves. The end.
Hey, movie..BITE ME!
Yeah, I just can't with this thing. Seriously, if you look up any top ten list of the worst remakes ever, chances are, you'll find this one there. It's pretty bad. Forget the fact that the people who made it were arrogant enough to think they could improve upon the brilliance of the original because they had computers and stuff, but even as a standalone, it's not very good either. It's too much and not enough. So, if you want to watch a good movie called The Haunting, hustle yourself back to 1963. If you want a movie called The Haunting for bad movie night, this one can probably be added to your list.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Teen Witch - Movie Review
Greetings,
When I was younger, I seem to remember a lot of adults looking at me like I was, well, less than. Just because I was young. Why do some grown-ups look at kids and teenagers like they have no profound thoughts or like they're totally vapid? I don't know, maybe because of movies like Teen Witch.
Okay, so we all know that when one thing becomes popular, many other things come along to try and copy it in order to cash in. The popular thing we've been dealing with for the past five years or so has, obviously, been Twilight, but back in the day we had a situation like this albeit on a smaller scale. In 1985, a great movie was released called Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox. You kids today may know it as what spawned one of only three decent shows on MTV. Now, naturally, because of its success, the movie had a sequel, which wasn't that great, at all. But they couldn't stop there. Since they apparently thought that only guys watched and liked Teen Wolf, they decided to do a girlie version of it. Oh, so kind of like how someone thought only guys eat Count Chocula, so, therefore, we got Frankenberry. Because, you know, girls, pink. Of course! And it looks like boys are wolves and girls are witches. Go figure. Anyway, this is how we got Teen Witch. So let's get to the plot of this thing, such as it is. And I will be giving a few spoilers, though not the ending. How nice am I?
Teen Witch is a 1989 comedy, technically, starring Robyn Lively as Louise Miller, a high school student, who is kind of a nerd. A nerd who we eventually find out is as vapid and self-absorbed as the popular kids. More on that in a second. Hey, wait. Robyn Lively is playing a shallow teenager. Clearly, the ability to do that runs in her family, since her sister, Blake, is best known for playing one of the most egomaniacal characters ever on television. Moving on. So, Louise is a nerd, because the leads in these kinds of movies always are, and she is crazy about the hottest guy in school whose name is Brad. Of course, it is. And he is played by a twenty-six year old actor. No lie. Well, this was 1989, which means that this film could have simply been serving to prepare us for the "high school" cast of Beverly Hills, 90210. She also has a best friend named Polly, an out-of-touch mom and dad, and a little brother who is, without a doubt, one of the most irritating characters I have ever come across in a film. Anyway, let's get to where the story kind of takes off.
One night, Brad is out driving with his girlfriend, Randa, a mean, blond cheerleader(Could this thing get any more cliche?), and he kind of hits Louise with his car, accidentally, I suppose. He offers to take her home, but she declines and ends up at the house of Madame Serena looking for help. Madame Serena is played by someone you may recognize, Zelda Rubenstein, the "this house is clean" lady from Poltergeist. She's always fun, am I right? Anyway, Madame Serena finds out that Louise is the reincarnation of a witch that was her friend many years ago, and she will develop her powers when she hits sixteen the following week. And that is exactly what happens.
So there's thunder and lightning and rain, and she gets her powers. Of course, Louise goes through that phase of not really knowing how to work them or understand them, so she has to go back to Madame Serena for help. She gets all these books that tell her what she can do, and what she can do is basically will anything to happen. Of course, her spells are undone by water, though. Yes, we all know the drill. Witch, water, no.
Now here comes the fun part. What does Louise want? To help people who are going through hard times? Nope. Boy! She wants Brad to love her, so she casts a spell, and he does. But then she's all, "I don't want him to love me because of a spell." So she cancels it or whatever, and since unenchanted Brad apparently only dates the most popular girl in school, Louise casts a spell on herself that makes her just that. Okay, we've got problems with this scenario, twofold. First of all, I don't know why she wants this guy, other than the fact that he's old enough to rent a car for her. Second thing, Louise, if you cast a spell on yourself to make you the thing he wants, it's pretty much the same as casting a love spell on him. Just saying.
Anyway, Louise does become popular, everyone loves her, but her best friend just thinks she's turned mean. There are these white guys who rap, not to be confused with the cheerleaders who do a full-on musical number in the locker room about how much they like boys. Yeah. Then, everything comes to resolution, sort of, at a dance, as these movies always do. So, this actually has quite a few things in common with Mean Girls, except there's magic, and Mean Girls was way better. By the way, thank you, Lizzy Caplan, for not rapping. We love you.
Apparently, this is one of those films that, in retrospect, some people have a soft spot for, mostly due to nostalgia. It has become a bit of a cult classic, I guess, but let's not kid ourselves. This is not a good movie. I don't personally find it all that interesting, but I can see how people might get a kick out of it. To be fair, it had a few amusing moments, and Robyn Lively was kind of cute as the lead. I've actually seen her in some things since this. She's become a pretty good actress. But overall, this just wasn't for me, so I'm not sure if I can officially recommend this film. Still, if it seems like the kind of bad movie you would enjoy, go for it.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
When I was younger, I seem to remember a lot of adults looking at me like I was, well, less than. Just because I was young. Why do some grown-ups look at kids and teenagers like they have no profound thoughts or like they're totally vapid? I don't know, maybe because of movies like Teen Witch.
Okay, so we all know that when one thing becomes popular, many other things come along to try and copy it in order to cash in. The popular thing we've been dealing with for the past five years or so has, obviously, been Twilight, but back in the day we had a situation like this albeit on a smaller scale. In 1985, a great movie was released called Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox. You kids today may know it as what spawned one of only three decent shows on MTV. Now, naturally, because of its success, the movie had a sequel, which wasn't that great, at all. But they couldn't stop there. Since they apparently thought that only guys watched and liked Teen Wolf, they decided to do a girlie version of it. Oh, so kind of like how someone thought only guys eat Count Chocula, so, therefore, we got Frankenberry. Because, you know, girls, pink. Of course! And it looks like boys are wolves and girls are witches. Go figure. Anyway, this is how we got Teen Witch. So let's get to the plot of this thing, such as it is. And I will be giving a few spoilers, though not the ending. How nice am I?
Teen Witch is a 1989 comedy, technically, starring Robyn Lively as Louise Miller, a high school student, who is kind of a nerd. A nerd who we eventually find out is as vapid and self-absorbed as the popular kids. More on that in a second. Hey, wait. Robyn Lively is playing a shallow teenager. Clearly, the ability to do that runs in her family, since her sister, Blake, is best known for playing one of the most egomaniacal characters ever on television. Moving on. So, Louise is a nerd, because the leads in these kinds of movies always are, and she is crazy about the hottest guy in school whose name is Brad. Of course, it is. And he is played by a twenty-six year old actor. No lie. Well, this was 1989, which means that this film could have simply been serving to prepare us for the "high school" cast of Beverly Hills, 90210. She also has a best friend named Polly, an out-of-touch mom and dad, and a little brother who is, without a doubt, one of the most irritating characters I have ever come across in a film. Anyway, let's get to where the story kind of takes off.
One night, Brad is out driving with his girlfriend, Randa, a mean, blond cheerleader(Could this thing get any more cliche?), and he kind of hits Louise with his car, accidentally, I suppose. He offers to take her home, but she declines and ends up at the house of Madame Serena looking for help. Madame Serena is played by someone you may recognize, Zelda Rubenstein, the "this house is clean" lady from Poltergeist. She's always fun, am I right? Anyway, Madame Serena finds out that Louise is the reincarnation of a witch that was her friend many years ago, and she will develop her powers when she hits sixteen the following week. And that is exactly what happens.
So there's thunder and lightning and rain, and she gets her powers. Of course, Louise goes through that phase of not really knowing how to work them or understand them, so she has to go back to Madame Serena for help. She gets all these books that tell her what she can do, and what she can do is basically will anything to happen. Of course, her spells are undone by water, though. Yes, we all know the drill. Witch, water, no.
Now here comes the fun part. What does Louise want? To help people who are going through hard times? Nope. Boy! She wants Brad to love her, so she casts a spell, and he does. But then she's all, "I don't want him to love me because of a spell." So she cancels it or whatever, and since unenchanted Brad apparently only dates the most popular girl in school, Louise casts a spell on herself that makes her just that. Okay, we've got problems with this scenario, twofold. First of all, I don't know why she wants this guy, other than the fact that he's old enough to rent a car for her. Second thing, Louise, if you cast a spell on yourself to make you the thing he wants, it's pretty much the same as casting a love spell on him. Just saying.
Anyway, Louise does become popular, everyone loves her, but her best friend just thinks she's turned mean. There are these white guys who rap, not to be confused with the cheerleaders who do a full-on musical number in the locker room about how much they like boys. Yeah. Then, everything comes to resolution, sort of, at a dance, as these movies always do. So, this actually has quite a few things in common with Mean Girls, except there's magic, and Mean Girls was way better. By the way, thank you, Lizzy Caplan, for not rapping. We love you.
Apparently, this is one of those films that, in retrospect, some people have a soft spot for, mostly due to nostalgia. It has become a bit of a cult classic, I guess, but let's not kid ourselves. This is not a good movie. I don't personally find it all that interesting, but I can see how people might get a kick out of it. To be fair, it had a few amusing moments, and Robyn Lively was kind of cute as the lead. I've actually seen her in some things since this. She's become a pretty good actress. But overall, this just wasn't for me, so I'm not sure if I can officially recommend this film. Still, if it seems like the kind of bad movie you would enjoy, go for it.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Birdemic: Shock and Terror - Movie Review
Greetings,
Hey, remember the movie The Birds? Remember how great it was, what with the fantastic story that built up all that tension and the amazing visuals and the wonderful acting? Well, get that out of your head, my friends, because today we are talking about Birdemic: Shock and Terror. This is going to be interesting.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror, or just Birdemic as most people call it, is a 2008 film that has become something of a legend in its sheer, utter awfulness. I've heard it referred to as an independent, romantic, horror film. Whatever you say. It certainly does look like an indie film, and they do try to cram in some alleged romance and horror. They do not, however, make much of an effort to cram in any good acting or writing or directing or...anything. Yet, in all the failure, it has become a favorite for the bad movie nights in homes all across the land. I can certainly see why.
And so I have chosen to review this ... gem of a film. I guess I should warn of spoilers since there is so much I have to say about the stuff that sort of happens. But I could tell you every tiny detail and it will not compare to the thrill of seeing it for yourself. No reviewers words can do this thing justice. And away we go.
We begin with the credits, of course, which last about four minutes and consists of some Grade-A stock music that runs on a loop, repeating itself about sixfold, and footage of a guy driving. Just driving and driving and driving. You may think that sounds boring, but they switch it up on you, for sure. I mean, in some shots, you're looking at the car driving from the outside, and then it's like you're inside the car. I know, calm down, right? Actually, if you enjoy listening to that kind of music, whilst watching people do things like drive or walk or applaud or sit there and wait for the director to say "Cut!" which he should have done a good thirty seconds earlier, then this is the movie for you. Because there is a ton of that. Come to think of it, if this movie would have been called Establishing Shot, that would have been much more accurate.
So we've got this guy, Rod, who is some kind of software salesman, and one day, he runs into this girl he used to go to school with named Nathalie,(Yes, spelled with an 'h'!) who is an aspiring model. And she's doing quite well, since one minute we see her doing a photo shoot at a place with a "One Hour Photo" sign in the window, and the next she finds out that she's getting the cover of Victoria's Secret. I am about %74.8 sure that this is exactly how Tyra hit it big. Anyway, they go out on a date and have some riveting conversation. Then, we find out that his best friend, Rick, is dating her best friend, Mai. What are the odds? We all know what that means, right? Double date! So they go on a double date to the movies where they see An Inconvenient Truth. Remember that. It's important to the plot, sort of.
In amongst all of that, we get to see Nathalie interact for a few minutes with her mother, and Rod score some multi-million dollar deal at work. And, of course, since things are going so well between them, Nathalie introduces Rod to her mother in another conversation that last about three minutes and adds nothing to the story. And, again, the new, happy couple go out for a night of dinner and dancing (allegedly) and then go back to a hotel room for some extracurricular activities. If you know what I mean. And the movie is half over.
What's that you say? I've already discussed half the movie and I've failed to mention something? Well, what could it be? Oh, are you referring to - BIRDS!?! Well, here's the deal. You don't get any in the first half of the film! Wait a sec. Let me amend that statement. Twenty-two minutes in, as Rod and Nathalie go for a walk they see some birds in a tree, then, about fifteen minutes after that, they find a dead bird on the beach, with some actual(I think) sea gulls in the background. And then, finally, FORTY-SEVEN MINUTES INTO A NINETY-THREE MINUTE MOVIE CALLED BIRDEMIC, we get some actual bird action. Shall I continue?
After the night of ... whatever between Rod and Nathalie, in the very next scene, we are, out of nowhere, bombarded with the most glorious CG birds you will ever see in your life. And they are accompanied by airplane zoomy sounds and even more CG in the form of explosions. It is, quite frankly, the most fascinating thing ever created by human beings.
Now here is where the bird part of Birdemic begins. Rod and Nathalie first barricade the window to keep the birds out, and after a while, they decide to leave with another couple, Ramsey and Becky, in their van. But they must have a way to defend themselves? They begin with hangers. Yes, hangers. But then they upgrade to a machine gun. I'm not kidding. This guy had a machine gun in his car. He also had a smaller gun, too, because, you know, everything in moderation.
On their little adventure, they pick up two annoying kids, and they stop at a store for supplies. So they can leave with them. Instead of staying where they have shelter and whatnot. Nope, got to get back in the car. And that leads them to this other random guy who says that the birds have bird flu and it's because of global warming. Yeah, remember how I said that movie they saw was a plot point? Well, throughout this film, they pepper in, very unnaturally, all these references to global warming. I guess this is an environmental movie.
Then we get the bus scene. Oh, yeah. The group comes across this bus with a bunch of people in it, and they don't want to get off, because, you know, birds outside. But Ramsey pretty much drags them off, only to have them all be attacked by the birds either spitting or puking on them, I can't decide. Either way, this stuff is apparently like acid, so they all die. WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING?
So, Rod and Nathalie and the kids go to a gas station to get gas in order to go to somewhere else where they won't have supplies or shelter like they would at the station. But after they leave, they are carjacked by a guy who wants their gas. He gets it, then a bird gets him. Then, they get out of the car to go into the woods for water. Interesting, since they had just acquired a huge case of it from the store. But if they didn't go into the woods, they wouldn't have met the tree house man, who says that the trees are his family. Because why not? But the birds come again, so they flee in their car, only to find on the side of the rode, Rick and Mai in their car, dead. What are the odds again?
Finally, they all go to the beach, after they run out of gas, to fish and then cook the fish on an open fire. And that will not attract the birds at all! Seriously, the kids starting whining that they didn't want fish but rather a Happy Meal. It seemed annoying at first, but having a Happy Meal in this situation almost seemed logical compared to what they were doing. And surprise of all surprises, the birds come back, forcing them into the car. Again, it is a wondrous sight to see. Then, they fly away. Everyone gets out of the car and Nathalie says something like, "Why did they stop?" Okay, it's a bit presumptuous to think that they stopped for good, considering they attacked about a minute ago, and there were longer stretches of time where they weren't attacking, but they always came back. Who cares though? We have reached the mandatory ninety minutes, which means we're done. And so our four survivors look at the horizon at the totally realistic birds flying away. The end.
Wow. Just wow. This movie is downright awful. The story, the dialogue, the acting, all awful. And yet, I am telling you that you should definitely watch this. It is, to say the least, an experience. And it is one of those movies that, if someone somewhere starts a conversation about it, you do not want to be left out. So watch Birdemic and then watch The Birds to make the pain go away.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
Hey, remember the movie The Birds? Remember how great it was, what with the fantastic story that built up all that tension and the amazing visuals and the wonderful acting? Well, get that out of your head, my friends, because today we are talking about Birdemic: Shock and Terror. This is going to be interesting.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror, or just Birdemic as most people call it, is a 2008 film that has become something of a legend in its sheer, utter awfulness. I've heard it referred to as an independent, romantic, horror film. Whatever you say. It certainly does look like an indie film, and they do try to cram in some alleged romance and horror. They do not, however, make much of an effort to cram in any good acting or writing or directing or...anything. Yet, in all the failure, it has become a favorite for the bad movie nights in homes all across the land. I can certainly see why.
And so I have chosen to review this ... gem of a film. I guess I should warn of spoilers since there is so much I have to say about the stuff that sort of happens. But I could tell you every tiny detail and it will not compare to the thrill of seeing it for yourself. No reviewers words can do this thing justice. And away we go.
We begin with the credits, of course, which last about four minutes and consists of some Grade-A stock music that runs on a loop, repeating itself about sixfold, and footage of a guy driving. Just driving and driving and driving. You may think that sounds boring, but they switch it up on you, for sure. I mean, in some shots, you're looking at the car driving from the outside, and then it's like you're inside the car. I know, calm down, right? Actually, if you enjoy listening to that kind of music, whilst watching people do things like drive or walk or applaud or sit there and wait for the director to say "Cut!" which he should have done a good thirty seconds earlier, then this is the movie for you. Because there is a ton of that. Come to think of it, if this movie would have been called Establishing Shot, that would have been much more accurate.
So we've got this guy, Rod, who is some kind of software salesman, and one day, he runs into this girl he used to go to school with named Nathalie,(Yes, spelled with an 'h'!) who is an aspiring model. And she's doing quite well, since one minute we see her doing a photo shoot at a place with a "One Hour Photo" sign in the window, and the next she finds out that she's getting the cover of Victoria's Secret. I am about %74.8 sure that this is exactly how Tyra hit it big. Anyway, they go out on a date and have some riveting conversation. Then, we find out that his best friend, Rick, is dating her best friend, Mai. What are the odds? We all know what that means, right? Double date! So they go on a double date to the movies where they see An Inconvenient Truth. Remember that. It's important to the plot, sort of.
In amongst all of that, we get to see Nathalie interact for a few minutes with her mother, and Rod score some multi-million dollar deal at work. And, of course, since things are going so well between them, Nathalie introduces Rod to her mother in another conversation that last about three minutes and adds nothing to the story. And, again, the new, happy couple go out for a night of dinner and dancing (allegedly) and then go back to a hotel room for some extracurricular activities. If you know what I mean. And the movie is half over.
What's that you say? I've already discussed half the movie and I've failed to mention something? Well, what could it be? Oh, are you referring to - BIRDS!?! Well, here's the deal. You don't get any in the first half of the film! Wait a sec. Let me amend that statement. Twenty-two minutes in, as Rod and Nathalie go for a walk they see some birds in a tree, then, about fifteen minutes after that, they find a dead bird on the beach, with some actual(I think) sea gulls in the background. And then, finally, FORTY-SEVEN MINUTES INTO A NINETY-THREE MINUTE MOVIE CALLED BIRDEMIC, we get some actual bird action. Shall I continue?
After the night of ... whatever between Rod and Nathalie, in the very next scene, we are, out of nowhere, bombarded with the most glorious CG birds you will ever see in your life. And they are accompanied by airplane zoomy sounds and even more CG in the form of explosions. It is, quite frankly, the most fascinating thing ever created by human beings.
Now here is where the bird part of Birdemic begins. Rod and Nathalie first barricade the window to keep the birds out, and after a while, they decide to leave with another couple, Ramsey and Becky, in their van. But they must have a way to defend themselves? They begin with hangers. Yes, hangers. But then they upgrade to a machine gun. I'm not kidding. This guy had a machine gun in his car. He also had a smaller gun, too, because, you know, everything in moderation.
On their little adventure, they pick up two annoying kids, and they stop at a store for supplies. So they can leave with them. Instead of staying where they have shelter and whatnot. Nope, got to get back in the car. And that leads them to this other random guy who says that the birds have bird flu and it's because of global warming. Yeah, remember how I said that movie they saw was a plot point? Well, throughout this film, they pepper in, very unnaturally, all these references to global warming. I guess this is an environmental movie.
Then we get the bus scene. Oh, yeah. The group comes across this bus with a bunch of people in it, and they don't want to get off, because, you know, birds outside. But Ramsey pretty much drags them off, only to have them all be attacked by the birds either spitting or puking on them, I can't decide. Either way, this stuff is apparently like acid, so they all die. WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING?
So, Rod and Nathalie and the kids go to a gas station to get gas in order to go to somewhere else where they won't have supplies or shelter like they would at the station. But after they leave, they are carjacked by a guy who wants their gas. He gets it, then a bird gets him. Then, they get out of the car to go into the woods for water. Interesting, since they had just acquired a huge case of it from the store. But if they didn't go into the woods, they wouldn't have met the tree house man, who says that the trees are his family. Because why not? But the birds come again, so they flee in their car, only to find on the side of the rode, Rick and Mai in their car, dead. What are the odds again?
Finally, they all go to the beach, after they run out of gas, to fish and then cook the fish on an open fire. And that will not attract the birds at all! Seriously, the kids starting whining that they didn't want fish but rather a Happy Meal. It seemed annoying at first, but having a Happy Meal in this situation almost seemed logical compared to what they were doing. And surprise of all surprises, the birds come back, forcing them into the car. Again, it is a wondrous sight to see. Then, they fly away. Everyone gets out of the car and Nathalie says something like, "Why did they stop?" Okay, it's a bit presumptuous to think that they stopped for good, considering they attacked about a minute ago, and there were longer stretches of time where they weren't attacking, but they always came back. Who cares though? We have reached the mandatory ninety minutes, which means we're done. And so our four survivors look at the horizon at the totally realistic birds flying away. The end.
Wow. Just wow. This movie is downright awful. The story, the dialogue, the acting, all awful. And yet, I am telling you that you should definitely watch this. It is, to say the least, an experience. And it is one of those movies that, if someone somewhere starts a conversation about it, you do not want to be left out. So watch Birdemic and then watch The Birds to make the pain go away.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
Monday, October 28, 2013
One For the Money - Movie Review
Greetings,
I think one of the hardest types of movie to make is one adapted from a book. Not only do you have to try and make a good movie for everyone, you have to try extra hard to please a built in and sometimes rabid fan base, which many books that get made into films have. Or you could just not try at all, which is what I feel happened in the case of One For the Money.
Here's some back story. One For the Money is the first book in a long-running series by Janet Evanovich centered around a New Jersey woman named Stephanie Plum. After she gets divorced and fired, she ends up working for her cousin as a bounty hunter, and then, hijinks ensue. I know that doesn't sound like much, but, honestly, I've read the books, and they're good. They're really fun and funny, and you get some action and thrills and romance in there, which, in the hands of a bad writer, probably wouldn't work out. But Janet Evanovich is a good writer, especially for books like this. Like I said, they're just books you read to have a really good time. So what the heck happened with the movie?
Before I get to the major problems, which somehow every viewer has managed to agree on, let me give you a quick synopsis of the plot. So, as I said, Stephanie gets a job working for her cousin as a bounty hunter, a job that is really out of her league. Her first assignment is to bring in a guy named Joe Morelli, a cop wanted for murder who skipped bail and also the guy who was her "first" at age seventeen. And, then, when he didn't call her back, she kind of hit him with her car. Water under the bridge, right? Anyway, if she brings him in, she gets fifty grand. A lot of crazy stuff happens, like witnesses turning up dead and explosions and whatnot, and even with the help Stephanie gets from some friendly hookers and a mysterious guy named Ranger, she still has a hard time of things while hoping to get her man. And that's basically it. I actually won't spoil the ending, but more so because I want you to read the book. Oh, and about that.
It's been a long, long while since I read the book, so, whilst I remember the main plot, some of the more detailed parts aren't as clear anymore. Still, I'd have to say that the movie was pretty close to what happened in the book. Normally, that's a good thing, but not here. When I say that movie events and book events were close, I mean that it's as though someone made a numbered list of what happened in the book and then checked things off while they were writing the script. You can't do that. Well, you can't do ONLY that. It is, of course, important to get things as close as possible, but it's more than that. The thing that makes the Plum book series so appealing is less the events of the story and more the way that the events are presented. These books have so much humor, the characters are so full of personality and that is really what people love about them. Whomever put this film together seemed to completely leave that out. They left out the joy of it all. As I watched it, I was thinking, "Okay, I remember this thing happening in the book, but only funnier and more entertaining." And that was how I felt about the whole movie. Now let's get to the major, MAJOR problem that most people have with this film - the casting.
So, Stephanie Plum has been this beloved character for nearly twenty years. People seriously love her. And why not? She's feisty and fun, and she has some edge, but also some vulnerabilities. She's kind of an every woman, who you totally want to be your best friend but who can also kick some butt for people in need if it's necessary. The bottom line is that she is an extremely likable character. So who would be the worst choice of an actress to play her? How about one of the most unlikable people in Hollywood? Not good. Well, that's what they did. I was so excited when I heard they were making this film, as were a lot of fans, and then we were shattered at the news that Katherine Heigl would be playing our protagonist. I hate to be mean, but, for real, no. Forget that a lot of people don't like her, forget that a lot of people think she is %100 overrated as an actress. She just does not fit the part. At all. Ever since that casting was announced, people were sounding off on who would have been better, and the consensus was...anybody. Seriously, though, the top choice seemed to be Sandra Bullock. Or perhaps, Marisa Tomei. Of course, some said they were too old for the part. Maybe, but that's just another reason why it sucks this thing had been in development for nearly a decade and a half! Also, if they would have started getting it seriously going seven years ago or so, my pick for the role would have been Brittany Murphy. I mean, she had the likability and talent, the edge and vulnerability. I just think she would have been perfect, and it probably would have out her back on the map as an A-list actress, perhaps, leading her life in a different direction. Sorry to be a downer, but it's how I feel. Anyway, all things considered, I would have enjoyed someone like Zooey Deschanel in the part. I think she could have pulled it off really well, and, though she may have a hater or two, it's nowhere near as bad as some other actresses.
Besides Stephanie, people tended to have issues with two other main parts in this. That of Joe Morelli and Ranger, played by Jason O'Mara and Daniel Sunjata, respectively. Whist I do like these guys and I think they've done some good acting otherwise, I've read the book. I know what Morelli and Ranger are supposed to look like. I know how they are supposed to be. These actors, again, just did not fit the roles. Honestly, if you were to read only the passages that describe their appearance, you might agree. Frankly, I would have gone with Joe Manganiello and Edgar Ramirez, but that's just me.
Okay, now even though I am on board with everyone who said these main characters were not portrayed accurately, I don't really feel that way about the rest of the cast. Actually, I think the secondary characters were cast quite well. At worst, they were okay. At best, they were nearly perfect. Some of the best were Patrick Fischer as Vinnie, John Leguizamo as Jimmy Alpha, and Sherry Shepherd as Lula. We even got a decent cameo by Fisher Stevens as Morty. They all did a really great job. And I didn't mind Debbie Reynolds as Grandma Mazur either, though most people said they would have preferred Betty White. Agree. Then again, these days, we pretty much prefer Betty White for everything. Kidding aside, even with these standout performances, the film could not be salvaged.
Interestingly enough, Janet Evanovich has given the movie a lot of praise. Now, with some authors, I'd think that would be all about the money. I mean, the more the film makes, the more the author makes. But considering how much of a genuinely nice and kind woman I've always seen Janet Evanovich to be, I couldn't imagine her bad mouthing this thing, no matter how much it deserves it.
So, yeah, I am not at all recommending that you watch this film. I am, however, recommending that you read the book and those that follow. Actually, if there is one good thing this movie has done, it has made us appreciate the books a lot more. And I hope that someday, mostly because Janet Evanovich, her characters, and her readers deserve better, they decide to make another film that can fix this mess. Or even a TV series or something. In the meantime, avoid this film, but enjoy the book.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
I think one of the hardest types of movie to make is one adapted from a book. Not only do you have to try and make a good movie for everyone, you have to try extra hard to please a built in and sometimes rabid fan base, which many books that get made into films have. Or you could just not try at all, which is what I feel happened in the case of One For the Money.
Here's some back story. One For the Money is the first book in a long-running series by Janet Evanovich centered around a New Jersey woman named Stephanie Plum. After she gets divorced and fired, she ends up working for her cousin as a bounty hunter, and then, hijinks ensue. I know that doesn't sound like much, but, honestly, I've read the books, and they're good. They're really fun and funny, and you get some action and thrills and romance in there, which, in the hands of a bad writer, probably wouldn't work out. But Janet Evanovich is a good writer, especially for books like this. Like I said, they're just books you read to have a really good time. So what the heck happened with the movie?
Before I get to the major problems, which somehow every viewer has managed to agree on, let me give you a quick synopsis of the plot. So, as I said, Stephanie gets a job working for her cousin as a bounty hunter, a job that is really out of her league. Her first assignment is to bring in a guy named Joe Morelli, a cop wanted for murder who skipped bail and also the guy who was her "first" at age seventeen. And, then, when he didn't call her back, she kind of hit him with her car. Water under the bridge, right? Anyway, if she brings him in, she gets fifty grand. A lot of crazy stuff happens, like witnesses turning up dead and explosions and whatnot, and even with the help Stephanie gets from some friendly hookers and a mysterious guy named Ranger, she still has a hard time of things while hoping to get her man. And that's basically it. I actually won't spoil the ending, but more so because I want you to read the book. Oh, and about that.
It's been a long, long while since I read the book, so, whilst I remember the main plot, some of the more detailed parts aren't as clear anymore. Still, I'd have to say that the movie was pretty close to what happened in the book. Normally, that's a good thing, but not here. When I say that movie events and book events were close, I mean that it's as though someone made a numbered list of what happened in the book and then checked things off while they were writing the script. You can't do that. Well, you can't do ONLY that. It is, of course, important to get things as close as possible, but it's more than that. The thing that makes the Plum book series so appealing is less the events of the story and more the way that the events are presented. These books have so much humor, the characters are so full of personality and that is really what people love about them. Whomever put this film together seemed to completely leave that out. They left out the joy of it all. As I watched it, I was thinking, "Okay, I remember this thing happening in the book, but only funnier and more entertaining." And that was how I felt about the whole movie. Now let's get to the major, MAJOR problem that most people have with this film - the casting.
So, Stephanie Plum has been this beloved character for nearly twenty years. People seriously love her. And why not? She's feisty and fun, and she has some edge, but also some vulnerabilities. She's kind of an every woman, who you totally want to be your best friend but who can also kick some butt for people in need if it's necessary. The bottom line is that she is an extremely likable character. So who would be the worst choice of an actress to play her? How about one of the most unlikable people in Hollywood? Not good. Well, that's what they did. I was so excited when I heard they were making this film, as were a lot of fans, and then we were shattered at the news that Katherine Heigl would be playing our protagonist. I hate to be mean, but, for real, no. Forget that a lot of people don't like her, forget that a lot of people think she is %100 overrated as an actress. She just does not fit the part. At all. Ever since that casting was announced, people were sounding off on who would have been better, and the consensus was...anybody. Seriously, though, the top choice seemed to be Sandra Bullock. Or perhaps, Marisa Tomei. Of course, some said they were too old for the part. Maybe, but that's just another reason why it sucks this thing had been in development for nearly a decade and a half! Also, if they would have started getting it seriously going seven years ago or so, my pick for the role would have been Brittany Murphy. I mean, she had the likability and talent, the edge and vulnerability. I just think she would have been perfect, and it probably would have out her back on the map as an A-list actress, perhaps, leading her life in a different direction. Sorry to be a downer, but it's how I feel. Anyway, all things considered, I would have enjoyed someone like Zooey Deschanel in the part. I think she could have pulled it off really well, and, though she may have a hater or two, it's nowhere near as bad as some other actresses.
Besides Stephanie, people tended to have issues with two other main parts in this. That of Joe Morelli and Ranger, played by Jason O'Mara and Daniel Sunjata, respectively. Whist I do like these guys and I think they've done some good acting otherwise, I've read the book. I know what Morelli and Ranger are supposed to look like. I know how they are supposed to be. These actors, again, just did not fit the roles. Honestly, if you were to read only the passages that describe their appearance, you might agree. Frankly, I would have gone with Joe Manganiello and Edgar Ramirez, but that's just me.
Okay, now even though I am on board with everyone who said these main characters were not portrayed accurately, I don't really feel that way about the rest of the cast. Actually, I think the secondary characters were cast quite well. At worst, they were okay. At best, they were nearly perfect. Some of the best were Patrick Fischer as Vinnie, John Leguizamo as Jimmy Alpha, and Sherry Shepherd as Lula. We even got a decent cameo by Fisher Stevens as Morty. They all did a really great job. And I didn't mind Debbie Reynolds as Grandma Mazur either, though most people said they would have preferred Betty White. Agree. Then again, these days, we pretty much prefer Betty White for everything. Kidding aside, even with these standout performances, the film could not be salvaged.
Interestingly enough, Janet Evanovich has given the movie a lot of praise. Now, with some authors, I'd think that would be all about the money. I mean, the more the film makes, the more the author makes. But considering how much of a genuinely nice and kind woman I've always seen Janet Evanovich to be, I couldn't imagine her bad mouthing this thing, no matter how much it deserves it.
So, yeah, I am not at all recommending that you watch this film. I am, however, recommending that you read the book and those that follow. Actually, if there is one good thing this movie has done, it has made us appreciate the books a lot more. And I hope that someday, mostly because Janet Evanovich, her characters, and her readers deserve better, they decide to make another film that can fix this mess. Or even a TV series or something. In the meantime, avoid this film, but enjoy the book.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
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