Greetings,
I think we have gotten spoiled in the past few years, especially when it comes to our superhero movies. Just look at those last few years. Now, I'm not saying I like all. In fact, I mostly do NOT like them. Still, they look good, I guess, and I assume at least a few people are trying. But, my word, has it been a roller coaster ride where these films are concerned, in the past thirty years. We still see some bad ones occasionally, and back in the day, we had a few good ones. But what I remember as a child in the realm of superhero movies was not very positive. I had things like Superman 3, Superman 4 and, my review target for today, Supergirl. Yes, I am picking on Krypton today, it would seem. They'll get over it.
When I speak of the fact that we've always had some bad superhero movies, I think of how a lot of them have one thing in common. Every one that has had a female protagonist has been considered, at best, not so good, and, at worst, downright horrible. That could be for any number of reasons, but I've always felt like no one ever bothered to put a ton of effort into them. One of the pioneers of such was the 1984 film, Supergirl. This one landed right smack in the middle of the whole Superman movie franchise. I think a lot was riding on this, due to the disappointment of Superman 3. In fact, I heard rumors that the plot was supposed to center on Superman falling prey to a female villain and Supergirl coming to help him. Then, that got whittled down to him having a cameo, then just nothing. And we ended up with a very confusing and convoluted plot, such as it was, which left a lot of people wondering "What the heck?" So I suppose that means that my sharing the story with you will be difficult for us all. I'll try though, and P.S. Spoilers!
The movie starts in Argo City, which was once a part of Krypton, but somehow broke off when it exploded and managed to survive. Is that even possible? Anyway, we meet a pre-Supergirl Kara Zor-El played by Helen Slater. She lives there with her parents, Zor-El and Alura played by Simon Ward and Mia Farrow. And she has a creepy old guy, best friend named Zaltar. And it's Peter O'Toole, in the role that screamed, "Okay, you won't give me an Oscar. Now I'm gonna act like someone who doesn't deserve one!" To be fair, I don't think the bad performance in this was his fault. Most likely, the crap of the script rubbed off on him. Anyway, Zaltar's got this magic wand that he makes stuff with, like trees, and Kara is impressed. She's even more impressed when she sees that, in order to bring life to his art, he has taken the Omegahedron, the power source of the whole city. Yeah, so I'm all for suffering for my art, even making others suffer occasionally, but risking the lives of everyone I know would be pushing it a little even for me. Especially when the entire rest of the planet has already blown up!! Cautious much!
Anyway, they talk about Earth, to where Kara knows that her cousin has gone. Her cousin who WE know as Superman and Clark Kent, but who she only knows as Kal-El. Keep this mind because it is very important later. So Zaltar speaks of leaving with Kara and then with Kara's mother, as the young girl uses the wand to make a bug looking creature, which she brings to life. It ends up flying around and busting a hole through the sheet of plastic that protects the city. Exactly. Why would a city that comes from a world that just blew up take precautions greater than that of covering themselves with plastic wrap? Anywho, the Omegahedron gets sucked through said hole, as does Kara almost. Then, everyone gets mad at Zaltar for taking the power source and losing it, which will result in the slow death of the city. Yeah, they are justified. He says he'll go get it in this ball looking spaceship thingy, but Kara climbs in it first, and off she goes. Kids, am I right?
Okay, so f I'm going to give this film any compliment concerning the special effects, I must admit that the visuals they have as she's going through space are pretty cool to see. Oh, and speaking of space, may we now address the thing about this film that has been cause for much confusion over the decades. When Zaltar is talking about Earth and the other planets, he tells her that those places are in outer space, but Argo City is in inner space. What the crap? I've also heard it referred to as the space between spaces, which doesn't help much. So I did a little research to see if I could get a decent explanation. The main consensus seems to be that inner space is another dimension which exists between water molecules deep in the ocean. Go figure. However, if that is true, explain to me how the Omegahedron falls out of the sky when it comes to Earth. Oh, and she apparently got her powers when she goes from inner space to outer space. Way to retcon the entire reason as to why Kryptonians have special powers in our world. I say we just call all of this Hollywood science and move on.
So, we watch Kara on her journey for a couple of minutes, then cut to some people on a picnic by the lake. And it's Faye Dunaway playing an "I wanna rule the world" magic lady named Selena, and she is with her boyfr-..uh...partn-...no...dude she hangs out with, Nigel. All of a sudden, the Omegahedron falls from the sky into a bowl of ... something that makes a squishy noise when stuff falls into it. Somehow, Selena knows that this thing is magic and decides to use it to take over the world, as you do. In the meantime, Kara emerges from a lake and starts crushing rocks and using her heat vision to make flowers bloom and flying hither and yon. My, she certainly has learned to use her powers quickly. You know what she's not doing quickly? Looking for the power source to take back to her city in order to save the lives of everyone she knows! I guess we can give her the benefit of the doubt, since she got a little distracted due to being almost assaulted by a couple of guys in an alley. Yes, this is a thing that happens quite soon after her arrival on Earth. Why did this scene happen? Filler, maybe? Also, this is where she reveals that she knows that her cousin is Superman on Earth. I don't know HOW she knows that, since there is no way she could. Oh, wait, the script told her.
Anyway, thanks to this little detector bracelet that Zaltar made for her, Kara figures out(finally)that the Omegahedron is in the vicinity of an all girls school, which apparently means she has to enroll there. What? But here's where things get even more ridiculous. First, she changes her clothes and hair, magically, by walking behind trees. So be it. Next, she meets the principal where she joins the school with the name Linda Lee and says she was recommended by her cousin, Clark Kent. Again, how does she know that's what his alias is? There is literally no way! And, then, the cherry on top is that her roommate ends up being Lucy Lane, as in Lois Lane's sister. Also, Jimmy Olsen is in town because he is sort of dating Lucy. WHAT are the flippin' odds? And Linda/Kara proceeds to spend her time doing a bunch of schoolgirl things, because she has nothing better to do apparently. Now please don't say to me that this is no different than Superman integrating himself into life with the humans. There is a huge difference. Superman is on Earth pretty much permanently, so he must create an alternate life. Supergirl, however, is on the clock. She doesn't have time for this silliness. But, whatever, we need something to drive the plot forward.
In the meantime, Selena has decided that this random landscaper dude named Ethan is going to be her consort as she rules the world. Yeah, good choice. He was cute and all, but he could barely put a sentence together. Anyway, she gives him a love potion that will make him fall in love with the first person he sees when he wakes up ... for a day. Yeah, the spell lasts for a day. But Selena gets distracted, landscaper dude wakes up and wanders out of her house and into the town, where Selena sends a bulldozer to catch him and bring him back. Whatever works. But it doesn't. Havoc is wreaked, there is collateral damage, Dirty Harry style, except not near as cool, and Supergirl saves Ethan. So, of course, he wakes up and sees her, as Linda, mind you, and falls in love with her. Selena freaks out, because she's watching from her crystal ball. May I remind her that the spell only lasts a day. Wait it out, sister. And, ultimately, this is what our superhero movie will become. Two girls fighting over a boy. What the heck?
Oh, sure, they try to toss some things in there, like Kara getting sent to the Phantom Zone where she finds Zaltar only to lose him again. Why even bother? And, of course, the lame battle at the end where Supergirl, at one point, apparently forgets that she can fly, but eventually beats Selena and takes the Omegahedron back home. But that was just to throw us off the scent that this was nothing but a bad chick flick with occasional superpowers. Because what else are you going to do with a female protagonist AND antagonist? All girls do is fight over boys. Well, that and shop, but I guess we didn't have time for that. And that is the movie.
So, in my opinion, I think this thing had potential to be, if not very good, at least, a little good. But everything went awry and we ended up with this. You know, I actually think Helen Slater wasn't that bad as Supergirl. She just had nothing to work with. And Peter O'Toole and Faye Dunaway, what were you doing here? Look, in the realm of bad movies, I say check this out once, just to say you've seen it. And mock it. But once is enough. Still, if you want a great Supergirl thing to watch, get yourself to Smallville Season 7. That will make it all better.
Love and full moon,
Becky the Writer
