Greetings,
When I was younger, I seem to remember a lot of adults looking at me like I was, well, less than. Just because I was young. Why do some grown-ups look at kids and teenagers like they have no profound thoughts or like they're totally vapid? I don't know, maybe because of movies like Teen Witch.
Okay, so we all know that when one thing becomes popular, many other things come along to try and copy it in order to cash in. The popular thing we've been dealing with for the past five years or so has, obviously, been Twilight, but back in the day we had a situation like this albeit on a smaller scale. In 1985, a great movie was released called Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox. You kids today may know it as what spawned one of only three decent shows on MTV. Now, naturally, because of its success, the movie had a sequel, which wasn't that great, at all. But they couldn't stop there. Since they apparently thought that only guys watched and liked Teen Wolf, they decided to do a girlie version of it. Oh, so kind of like how someone thought only guys eat Count Chocula, so, therefore, we got Frankenberry. Because, you know, girls, pink. Of course! And it looks like boys are wolves and girls are witches. Go figure. Anyway, this is how we got Teen Witch. So let's get to the plot of this thing, such as it is. And I will be giving a few spoilers, though not the ending. How nice am I?
Teen Witch is a 1989 comedy, technically, starring Robyn Lively as Louise Miller, a high school student, who is kind of a nerd. A nerd who we eventually find out is as vapid and self-absorbed as the popular kids. More on that in a second. Hey, wait. Robyn Lively is playing a shallow teenager. Clearly, the ability to do that runs in her family, since her sister, Blake, is best known for playing one of the most egomaniacal characters ever on television. Moving on. So, Louise is a nerd, because the leads in these kinds of movies always are, and she is crazy about the hottest guy in school whose name is Brad. Of course, it is. And he is played by a twenty-six year old actor. No lie. Well, this was 1989, which means that this film could have simply been serving to prepare us for the "high school" cast of Beverly Hills, 90210. She also has a best friend named Polly, an out-of-touch mom and dad, and a little brother who is, without a doubt, one of the most irritating characters I have ever come across in a film. Anyway, let's get to where the story kind of takes off.
One night, Brad is out driving with his girlfriend, Randa, a mean, blond cheerleader(Could this thing get any more cliche?), and he kind of hits Louise with his car, accidentally, I suppose. He offers to take her home, but she declines and ends up at the house of Madame Serena looking for help. Madame Serena is played by someone you may recognize, Zelda Rubenstein, the "this house is clean" lady from Poltergeist. She's always fun, am I right? Anyway, Madame Serena finds out that Louise is the reincarnation of a witch that was her friend many years ago, and she will develop her powers when she hits sixteen the following week. And that is exactly what happens.
So there's thunder and lightning and rain, and she gets her powers. Of course, Louise goes through that phase of not really knowing how to work them or understand them, so she has to go back to Madame Serena for help. She gets all these books that tell her what she can do, and what she can do is basically will anything to happen. Of course, her spells are undone by water, though. Yes, we all know the drill. Witch, water, no.
Now here comes the fun part. What does Louise want? To help people who are going through hard times? Nope. Boy! She wants Brad to love her, so she casts a spell, and he does. But then she's all, "I don't want him to love me because of a spell." So she cancels it or whatever, and since unenchanted Brad apparently only dates the most popular girl in school, Louise casts a spell on herself that makes her just that. Okay, we've got problems with this scenario, twofold. First of all, I don't know why she wants this guy, other than the fact that he's old enough to rent a car for her. Second thing, Louise, if you cast a spell on yourself to make you the thing he wants, it's pretty much the same as casting a love spell on him. Just saying.
Anyway, Louise does become popular, everyone loves her, but her best friend just thinks she's turned mean. There are these white guys who rap, not to be confused with the cheerleaders who do a full-on musical number in the locker room about how much they like boys. Yeah. Then, everything comes to resolution, sort of, at a dance, as these movies always do. So, this actually has quite a few things in common with Mean Girls, except there's magic, and Mean Girls was way better. By the way, thank you, Lizzy Caplan, for not rapping. We love you.
Apparently, this is one of those films that, in retrospect, some people have a soft spot for, mostly due to nostalgia. It has become a bit of a cult classic, I guess, but let's not kid ourselves. This is not a good movie. I don't personally find it all that interesting, but I can see how people might get a kick out of it. To be fair, it had a few amusing moments, and Robyn Lively was kind of cute as the lead. I've actually seen her in some things since this. She's become a pretty good actress. But overall, this just wasn't for me, so I'm not sure if I can officially recommend this film. Still, if it seems like the kind of bad movie you would enjoy, go for it.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
