Greetings,
Hey, remember the movie The Birds? Remember how great it was, what with the fantastic story that built up all that tension and the amazing visuals and the wonderful acting? Well, get that out of your head, my friends, because today we are talking about Birdemic: Shock and Terror. This is going to be interesting.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror, or just Birdemic as most people call it, is a 2008 film that has become something of a legend in its sheer, utter awfulness. I've heard it referred to as an independent, romantic, horror film. Whatever you say. It certainly does look like an indie film, and they do try to cram in some alleged romance and horror. They do not, however, make much of an effort to cram in any good acting or writing or directing or...anything. Yet, in all the failure, it has become a favorite for the bad movie nights in homes all across the land. I can certainly see why.
And so I have chosen to review this ... gem of a film. I guess I should warn of spoilers since there is so much I have to say about the stuff that sort of happens. But I could tell you every tiny detail and it will not compare to the thrill of seeing it for yourself. No reviewers words can do this thing justice. And away we go.
We begin with the credits, of course, which last about four minutes and consists of some Grade-A stock music that runs on a loop, repeating itself about sixfold, and footage of a guy driving. Just driving and driving and driving. You may think that sounds boring, but they switch it up on you, for sure. I mean, in some shots, you're looking at the car driving from the outside, and then it's like you're inside the car. I know, calm down, right? Actually, if you enjoy listening to that kind of music, whilst watching people do things like drive or walk or applaud or sit there and wait for the director to say "Cut!" which he should have done a good thirty seconds earlier, then this is the movie for you. Because there is a ton of that. Come to think of it, if this movie would have been called Establishing Shot, that would have been much more accurate.
So we've got this guy, Rod, who is some kind of software salesman, and one day, he runs into this girl he used to go to school with named Nathalie,(Yes, spelled with an 'h'!) who is an aspiring model. And she's doing quite well, since one minute we see her doing a photo shoot at a place with a "One Hour Photo" sign in the window, and the next she finds out that she's getting the cover of Victoria's Secret. I am about %74.8 sure that this is exactly how Tyra hit it big. Anyway, they go out on a date and have some riveting conversation. Then, we find out that his best friend, Rick, is dating her best friend, Mai. What are the odds? We all know what that means, right? Double date! So they go on a double date to the movies where they see An Inconvenient Truth. Remember that. It's important to the plot, sort of.
In amongst all of that, we get to see Nathalie interact for a few minutes with her mother, and Rod score some multi-million dollar deal at work. And, of course, since things are going so well between them, Nathalie introduces Rod to her mother in another conversation that last about three minutes and adds nothing to the story. And, again, the new, happy couple go out for a night of dinner and dancing (allegedly) and then go back to a hotel room for some extracurricular activities. If you know what I mean. And the movie is half over.
What's that you say? I've already discussed half the movie and I've failed to mention something? Well, what could it be? Oh, are you referring to - BIRDS!?! Well, here's the deal. You don't get any in the first half of the film! Wait a sec. Let me amend that statement. Twenty-two minutes in, as Rod and Nathalie go for a walk they see some birds in a tree, then, about fifteen minutes after that, they find a dead bird on the beach, with some actual(I think) sea gulls in the background. And then, finally, FORTY-SEVEN MINUTES INTO A NINETY-THREE MINUTE MOVIE CALLED BIRDEMIC, we get some actual bird action. Shall I continue?
After the night of ... whatever between Rod and Nathalie, in the very next scene, we are, out of nowhere, bombarded with the most glorious CG birds you will ever see in your life. And they are accompanied by airplane zoomy sounds and even more CG in the form of explosions. It is, quite frankly, the most fascinating thing ever created by human beings.
Now here is where the bird part of Birdemic begins. Rod and Nathalie first barricade the window to keep the birds out, and after a while, they decide to leave with another couple, Ramsey and Becky, in their van. But they must have a way to defend themselves? They begin with hangers. Yes, hangers. But then they upgrade to a machine gun. I'm not kidding. This guy had a machine gun in his car. He also had a smaller gun, too, because, you know, everything in moderation.
On their little adventure, they pick up two annoying kids, and they stop at a store for supplies. So they can leave with them. Instead of staying where they have shelter and whatnot. Nope, got to get back in the car. And that leads them to this other random guy who says that the birds have bird flu and it's because of global warming. Yeah, remember how I said that movie they saw was a plot point? Well, throughout this film, they pepper in, very unnaturally, all these references to global warming. I guess this is an environmental movie.
Then we get the bus scene. Oh, yeah. The group comes across this bus with a bunch of people in it, and they don't want to get off, because, you know, birds outside. But Ramsey pretty much drags them off, only to have them all be attacked by the birds either spitting or puking on them, I can't decide. Either way, this stuff is apparently like acid, so they all die. WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING?
So, Rod and Nathalie and the kids go to a gas station to get gas in order to go to somewhere else where they won't have supplies or shelter like they would at the station. But after they leave, they are carjacked by a guy who wants their gas. He gets it, then a bird gets him. Then, they get out of the car to go into the woods for water. Interesting, since they had just acquired a huge case of it from the store. But if they didn't go into the woods, they wouldn't have met the tree house man, who says that the trees are his family. Because why not? But the birds come again, so they flee in their car, only to find on the side of the rode, Rick and Mai in their car, dead. What are the odds again?
Finally, they all go to the beach, after they run out of gas, to fish and then cook the fish on an open fire. And that will not attract the birds at all! Seriously, the kids starting whining that they didn't want fish but rather a Happy Meal. It seemed annoying at first, but having a Happy Meal in this situation almost seemed logical compared to what they were doing. And surprise of all surprises, the birds come back, forcing them into the car. Again, it is a wondrous sight to see. Then, they fly away. Everyone gets out of the car and Nathalie says something like, "Why did they stop?" Okay, it's a bit presumptuous to think that they stopped for good, considering they attacked about a minute ago, and there were longer stretches of time where they weren't attacking, but they always came back. Who cares though? We have reached the mandatory ninety minutes, which means we're done. And so our four survivors look at the horizon at the totally realistic birds flying away. The end.
Wow. Just wow. This movie is downright awful. The story, the dialogue, the acting, all awful. And yet, I am telling you that you should definitely watch this. It is, to say the least, an experience. And it is one of those movies that, if someone somewhere starts a conversation about it, you do not want to be left out. So watch Birdemic and then watch The Birds to make the pain go away.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
