Greetings,
I have never been crazy about the fact that much of the time I am supposed to consider nostalgic is the eighties. Never been a fan of that decade, as a whole. It had its good moments, don't get me wrong. It even had fantastic moments. I'm looking at you, ALF! But mostly, I have few fond memories. I even have not fond memories of things that occurred before I was aware that they were occurring. One of those things would be the series, Square Pegs.
Let's just get this out of the way right now. The only ONLY reason that anyone remembers this show is because it starred Sarah Jessica Parker, and that's not necessarily a good thing. It's subjective I guess, but maybe I'm being too harsh. It could be remembered because it was made in the most dated part of the eighties, the part that no one, not even the most enthusiastic nostalgics, ever wants to revive. Whatever, though. Let's just get started.
Square Pegs was a half-hour sitcom about eight students at Weemawee High School. Weemawee, I'm assuming is referring to a tribe of Native Americans that may or may not exist. Either way, back then, they probably just called them Indians. Taking offense as someone who is partially Native American. Moving on. We mainly follow two freshmen girls named Patty and Lauren, played by the aforementioned SJP and Amy Linker. They were outcasts, to say the least, and I can't imagine why with all of their witty banter. May I paraphrase one of the first "jokes" of the show when Lauren asked Patty why she was wearing her glasses, to which Patty replies, "Well, Lauren, you're wearing you braces!" That's what we're in for with this one, folks. No wonder they needed a laugh track. More on that later.
Anyway, that is basically what their high school flaws are. Patty has glasses; Lauren has braces. Oh, yeah, and Lauren is fat. But, you know, not really. I think I heard that they put padding in her clothes to make her look bigger, which took her up to about a size six, maybe an eight when she was on her period. Funny, I thought that anything above a two being considered plus size was a new trend. Maybe not. But joke's on them, because, at that size, she'll be the only one able to carry off the shoulder pad look that was on the horizon. Anyway, our starring girls were the unpopular/relatable characters. But these girls can't go through high school alone. No, we need every last stereotype you can think of to fill the halls. They may not all fall into the core cast of characters, but they do show up. So how about a look-see at that diverse group.
Now don't assume that Patty and Lauren had no friends besides each other. There were other geeks, after all. For example, there's Marshall, played by John Femia. He talks a lot and wants to be a comedian. This is not a good place to start, my friend. Then, there's Johnny aka Slash (no lie) played by Merritt Butrick. You may not know the name of that actor, but you may recognize him as Captain Kirk's son, David, from the second and third Star Trek movies. And I really liked him in those. I don't know where this job fell in proximity to those, but, I kid you not, someone did once make a Ricardo Montalban joke on this show. How dare they, am I right? Anyway, despite the fact that they said Slash didn't do drugs, I feel like they were desperately trying to make him a Spiccoli knockoff. No, Slash apparently doesn't need drugs to seem high. And he seems high a lot. He also looks about twenty-five years old. As per usual with high school shows. But who cares? Let's move on to the important people. You know, the popular crowd.
First, there is Jennifer played by Tracy Nelson. She is a blonde, Valley Girl, complete with the accent and everything. Sort of. Answer this question for me, friends. Is is possible to, while doing a particular accent, try too hard and not hard enough at the same time? Because that is exactly what she is doing. Sorry, Tracy Nelson. I liked you on that one episode of Family Ties, but, in the realm of the Valley Girl, you are no E.G. Daily. Then, there's a guy named Vinnie played by Jon Caliri. I have heard him being referred to as a "greaser hood". Sure, he is because his name is Vinnie, and all guys named Vinnie are that, apparently. And speaking of 80's stereotypes and whatnot, let's talk about our one minority character, LaDonna, played by Claudette Wells. Well, that's Hollywood for you. Preaching about acceptance and diversity and equality whilst expecting us to believe that there was only one minority in the whole school, or, at best, one per group of friends. Perhaps, they thought they were being progressive by putting her in with the popular kids. Look, I don't want to go into a whole speech about race, because, frankly, it's too important of a subject to discuss in this context. Seriously, though, why?
Okay, now for the good news. There was actually one character on this show that I did find quite entertaining. That would be Muffy. Yes, Muffy. She is your typical, high school, overachiever preppy, who is the head of every club and over-articulates every word she says. I must give credit where credit is due, though. Most of the awesomeness of this character is in existence thanks to the performance of Jami Gertz. Yeah, she's always pretty great, and she is fantastic at playing characters like this. I actually think that this character and the one she occasionally played on The Facts of Life were the same person. This was one of her first acting roles, and she has been working ever since. Good for her and us.
So, what else can I say about this show? Oh, yeah, the laugh track thing. I know there were several shows around this time that had laugh tracks in lieu of a live audience. At least, here, they had a good excuse, since they filmed in an old high school, making a live audience an impossibility. But, for real, they had the most sporadic laugh track I have ever heard. It would pop up at the weirdest times, and then not pop up when it should have. I mean, I'm not saying I found any of the jokes very funny, but I could point out where they were trying to make them, and they were met with a lot of silence. Blame that on a tech guy, I guess? Anyway, what else? Well, they didn't shy away from doing every cliche episode that could. We got the prank playing one, the 'girls can do anything boys can do, so let's try out for the football team' one, and the school play one. The school play, in this case, is a musical, which leads the viewers to sit there and awkwardly try to decide whether or not Sarah Jessica Parker can carry a tune. I'll give her a 'maybe' for now, since I've been a little vicious in this post. Oh, and Martin Mull showed up one time, as well as Bill Murray for the obligatory substitute teacher who becomes everyone's favorite teacher episode. That's really the best I can give you. Okay, let's wrap this up already.
Did this show deserve a second season? No. Look, I can make jokes about this and everything, but, as a whole, it just wasn't very good. I suppose I can see how someone who went through high school during the time of this show might want to watch it, again, for reasons of nostalgia, but even that might be a little iffy. We have had much better shows about the lives of high schoolers, and we'll probably get a few more. So, unless you're a fan of one of these actors, or you are into making fun of stuff like this, I'd say it's pretty safe to skip it.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
