Greetings,
A long time ago, I wrote a little something about how unrealistic a certain show was despite having been set in the real world. Apparently. When you think about it, I really could have been talking about a lot of different shows that could be and still can be described that way, but I was speaking of the show that miraculously ran for EIGHT seasons, Full House.
Okay, I can admit that, when I was younger, I was a consistent watcher of this show. I could blame it on the fact that I was, in fact, just a kid, and I didn't know any better, but I think it may have had more to do with the massive crush I had on John Stamos. It's a crush that may still be there, although, it has diminished greatly after the debacle of his appearance on Glee, of all shows. Yeah, John, way to wipe out all the stuff you did to try and separate yourself from the ridiculousness of Full House by taking part in something even more heinous. But I'm getting away from my point, which is that this show was pretty much insane when it came to certain situations. Now this could go on a lot longer than I'm going to write here, but I managed to choose ten episodes containing moments that make anyone with a concept of reality say "What!" Off we go.
#10. "Educating Jesse" (Season 6) - This is an episode where DJ is doing this stay in school campaign and wants her family to help. Everyone agrees except for Uncle Jesse. Why doesn't he want to help? Well, as it happens, he never graduated from high school. He, himself, is a dropout. Okay, I can maybe understand why the kids didn't know, but he never told his wife? It really never came up. And even if I could excuse that, what about Danny? His brother-in-law? Who has known him since he was a kid because he was married to Jesse's older sister? I'd think he would have noticed that they never went to Jesse's graduation. You'd think a family of 87 people who refuse to not live together despite chances to do so would be more close. More on that later. Oh, and by the way, a few seasons earlier, they had an episode about Jesse going to his high school reunion. Continuity is a beautiful thing.
#9. "Little Shop of Sweaters" (Season 2) - It's Valentine's Day and the three dads give the three girls presents. DJ gets a sweater she really wanted, but when she takes it to school, it gets destroyed. Long story. Anyway, she tries to buy a replacement but doesn't have enough money. Stephanie sees a sign that says "Buy Now, Pay Later", and you can see where this is going. And, no, not even this is the moment of which I speak. What is? Well...THEY BOUGHT A 12-YEAR-OLD AN $80 SWEATER! Perhaps, that is acceptable for a 16-year-old on her birthday, mostly because it's cheaper than a car. But a TWELVE-year old on VALENTINE'S DAY? They're called Conversation Hearts, boys. Look into them!
#8. "Half a Love Story" (Season 1) - Now, Danny works at a TV station, and he gets this new co-worker, Robin, on the same day that Jesse happened to show up with Baby Michelle. So Jesse decides to use the cute baby to try to pick up Robin, because she is gorgeous. Like super gorgeous. It was Kristian Alfonso from Days of Our Lives, for crying out loud. But, seriously, this makes no sense. This seems like a thing that not so attractive guys do to get girls to notice them. Right? And I understand that, at this point in time, Stamos still had his mullet, which always takes off about 5 to 10 points on any man's hotness meter, but he was still hot. Again, this makes no sense. Oh, and speaking of nonsensical things in Jesse's love life ...
#7. "Jesse's Girl" (Season 1) - In order to make some extra money, Jesse starts to give guitar lessons. One of his students is yet another gorgeous woman named Corrina, who kind of looked like a mid-nineties Nicole Kidman. They go out on a date, but then she falls for Joey, the ... "comedian". Come again? Look, I get that there are women who like a guy who's funny, or tries to be funny, and this is nothing against Dave Coulier. I think they just gave him some seriously inferior material. Which I now hope wasn't his own material. Moving on. Okay, she falls for Joey. But you've got John Stamos and you're going to go to some other guy? Who would do that? I know looks aren't everything, but is there a single woman on this planet who would give up John Stamos to hook up with some guy who often tries to be funny but tends to fall flat? Well, there is one woman I can think of.
#6. "The House Meets The Mouse" (Season 6) - In the nineties, ABC decided to make pretty much all of their family sitcoms go to Disney World. I think Full House started that trend. And nothing that happens on this vacation makes any sense. I mean, the older girls lose Michelle, and don't get in trouble for it. But, then again, she was being a spoiled brat and wandered off on her own, and she doesn't get in trouble for that either. Of course. The writers try to be meta by making DJ think the guy dresses up as Aladdin is her boyfriend, Steve. Steve, by the way, who was played by an actor who voiced Aladdin. Ha. Jesse's there because this world famous theme park hired his unknown band to play a huge show, and they did so because...okay? And it goes on and on, but let me point out something totally unbelievable. All of them, every single person in this family of - what did I say? - oh, yeah, 87, they all stayed at the Grand Floridian. The Grand Flippin' Floridian! That place is not cheap, and somehow, this family can afford to stay there for who knows how long. Nope, not buying it. Especially because this episode is the last episode of Season 6, and based on a few things I'll be telling you later, I CANNOT believe this family has any money left at all. Stay tuned.
#5. "Fuller House" (Season 4) - So Uncle Jesse gets married to Becky, and, after living in the Tanner house for four years, he does what any newly married man would do. He moves into his wife's house, so they can start building their lives together. How romantic! Wait! Stop, you two! You can't do that! Why? Because it makes the four-year-old sad! I kid you not. Michelle is so sad about Uncle Jesse moving out that, long story short, he and Becky give up their beautiful San Francisco house that no one in their twenties should be able to afford, and opt to live in the Tanner's attic. Yeah, no. Nobody would ever do that, because everybody knows that four-year-olds tend to get over things pretty quickly. And they made this decision, mind you, after one night away from the Tanner house. ONE NIGHT! I'm sorry, no. Okay, to be fair, if she was in deep depression after a few months, I'd say fine, move back in. But it was ONE NIGHT! What is even the heck? But, if you think it makes no sense for only two people to do this, you just wait.
#4. "A House Divided" (Season 7) - At the end of the seventh season, the Tanner family gets a knock on the door from a millionaire who used to live in their house and wants to buy it for twice its value. This makes everyone really excited because it means they can get a bigger house with more room, but not more room for all 87 of them, because Jesse and Becky and Joey all think it's a sign that it's their time to move out of the house. Because there were never any signs of that before, apparently. Oh, hold on. Did I say everyone was excited about this? Let me amend that statement by saying that everyone was excited except for - say it with me! - Michelle. She doesn't want to move, because this was the only house she ever lived in. Woo. Again, long story short, after some hijinks and memory sharing, they decide to not sell and stay. They ALL decide this. What is up with these people? Why does this little kid keep telling you what to do? Man up! Especially you, Danny Tanner. And that was only number four!
#3. "Please Don't Touch the Dinosaurs" (Season 6) - So Michelle's class is going on a field trip to the museum, and Danny and Jesse are going to be the chaperones. As we all know, Danny is quite anal-retentive, so he wants his group to be very, very well-behaved. Jesse just wants his kids to have fun, whatever the cost. Yeah, cost. I wonder. Anyway, as you may have guessed, Danny's group proceeds into the museum without incident, whilst Jesse's group runs wild. How wild? Well, Michelle and her friend, Denise, decide to play tag or something around this giant dinosaur skeleton. Yes, a dinosaur skeleton, because this was the same year as Jurassic Park, and ABC knows how to cash in. Well, surprise, surprise, the girls go passed the velvet ropes or whatever, and completely destroy the priceless artifact. Yeah, remember when I said I didn't know how they afforded that trip to Disney World because of reasons. Well, this one of the reasons. And not just the money factor, but I'd think the Disney trip would have been cancelled because one of the adults in charge would have been in jail. Or do they not do that kind of thing in this world? And this was a mere five episodes before that finale. No. Oh, and they were probably already on a budget because of my number two pick. Read on.
#2. "Come Fly With Me" (Season 6) - At the end of Season 5, DJ announces that she is going to Spain on a school sponsored trip. She's gone for the whole summer, and Stephanie and Michelle had such a boring summer that they are so excited to have her back. But, alas, DJ has returned with a new boyfriend, the aforementioned Steve, so she kind of ignores them. Now, what do Stephanie and Michelle do to break the monotony? They meet a kid who's in a traveling group of singing children, go on his departing plane just to say goodbye, and end up on their way to New Zealand. You know what? I'm not even going to blame the two girls for this one, necessarily. I mean, Stephanie did try to tell the flight attendant that they were not a part of the traveling singing children, and the woman was like, "Whatever, just sit down, on our way." Seriously. I know this was 1992, and things weren't as strict when it came to airport security as it is now, but how the heck could this happen? Really, flight attendant, you're not even going to check on this? And never mind her for a minute. What about the people in charge of this group of children? They don't seem all that attentive either. So Stephanie and Michelle had to go all the way to New Zealand, then get back on a plane and immediately had to come all the way back home. And guess who had to pay? Yeah, the parent. Although, I hope that idiot flight attendant got fired.
#1. "Honey, I Broke the House" (Season 3) - When people discuss the ridiculous goings on of the Full House world, there is, without a doubt, one episode that always immediately springs to mind. And this is it. At least, it is for me. Okay, Joey got this really nice, new, red car. He's very happy with it, even named it Rosie. Okay? He notices that there is a slight nick in the hood so he goes to the store to get a jar of touch up paint. He goes and leaves Stephanie alone with the car, with the keys in the ignition. You may think that's no big deal, since every kid over the age of five knows you don't play with cars. Or was that just me with my weird functioning brain thingy? But we're in their world now, where Joey has apparently forgotten all the insane, stupid things these children are capable of here. So Stephanie gets in the car and wants to listen to the radio. She turns the key, and the car starts. As they tend to do. She sees the letter "R" in front of the steering wheel and jovially says, "Must mean radio! Because no other words start with 'R'!" And she puts the car into reverse! Get it, because that's what the "R" stood for. Anyway, the car backs into the house. It literally crashes into the kitchen. Half of the car is in the house, half is out. This is a thing that happened. And if that wasn't enough, she then runs away, leaving her family to find out, one by one, what has happened. When she finally came home and fessed up, she was tortured with a mild scolding ... barely. I don't know how we got to this point, my friends. I don't. I don't know if I should blame the stupidity of a child who should, for real, know better, or the continually negligent parenting, or both. I just don't know. But seeing as this is probably the most infamous of all the "throw my hands up in the air and question the universe" moments of this show, this is my personal number one.
Okay, I know a lot of people who read this will probably think I forgot to mention a few other moments, and they would be right. This list is of a mere ten choices. I am fully aware that there are more. Look, I am happy to suspend my disbelief for television, but I'm happy to do it with things like Buffy or Smallville. Not a show that's supposed to be grounded in reality. And not this much. Still, if I can say one good thing about Full House, it would be that it was more of a family show than anything we're giving that label to today. I speak of content and such. Even with all of this...whatever that occurred on a weekly basis, they tried to be heartwarming and whatnot and show a family that really loved each other. That's not so bad, I guess. So, I just hope that someday someone can take only those good things about the show and give us a new one with other good things. Until then, I look back at these moments, and just say "What?"
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
