Greetings,
Okay, we're almost done. We've made it through three Jaws movies. We've had great moments and bad moments and "What were they thinking?" moments. And we have powered through all of this together. I hope everyone has built up their strength, because we are really going to need it to get through this.
I am not certain what possessed anyone to do this, yet another Jaws sequel. Although the previous one did actually make its budget back a few times over, it was not exactly thought of as a shining moment in the legacy. But I guess the studio had an extra twenty million bucks lying around and no ideas for movies, so they did this. Oh, they did it, alright! So here we go - Jaws: The Revenge. And, in case you don't remember from my previous reviews, spoilers and details.
Jaws: The Revenge takes us back to our original destination of Amity Island, for a little while. They may have wanted to do it at Sea World again, but I'm sure Shamu said, "Heck to the no! Stay out of my house!". The story here centers around Ellen Brody, played by Lorraine Gary, the wife of the late Chief Martin Brody who died of a heart attack between movies. Again, they tried to get Roy Scheider to do a cameo, but I guess they forgot about the fact that he did another movie just to avoid being in Jaws 3-D. Now had he taken the job, he would have been eaten by the shark at the start of the film. Well, no such luck, but they do have a picture of him up at the police station. See, there he is. So it'll be just like the first Jaws. Right?
Enter Sean Brody, played by Mitchell Anderson, the chief's younger son, who has taken a job of a police deputy in Amity. He lives there with his fiance, Tiffany and his mother. Okay? The story begins a few days before Christmas, and Sean is sent out on a boat to clear a log or something from a buoy. Don't worry. I'm sure there is no shark in the water. There is. We know there is because of that ridiculous angle where the camera keeps bobbing up and down in the water. I'm pretty sure that's not how it looks to a shark since their eyes are on either side of their head. Anyway, Sean reaches over the side of the boat and the shark pops up and rips off his arm. Just his arm. He screams but is drown out by the joyous Christmas choir on the shore. And pay attention right before this happens, because you will actually see blood in the water . . . before the biting. I don't know how that works, unless this Jaws is a female once again and her Aunt Flo happens to be visiting. That would explain the hunger and the crankiness. Then, the boat teeters and Sean is pulled completely over and eaten. Was anyone really surprised by this? I mean, in these movies, Brody, water, shark are as predictable as 1,2,3.
The next day, his body is found and identified by his mother. She's a little upset, but finds comfort in the presence of her other son, Mike, played by Lance Guest. He comes back to Amity with his wife, Carla and their five year old daughter, Thea, played by Karen Young and Judith Barsi, respectively. They live in the Bahamas where Mike is a marine biologist. Hold on a minute. This movie is four years after the last one, where he was involved with a different woman, had no kids and was an engineer. Ever heard of continuity? And you'd think all these bad water experiences would make someone turn from a marine biologist to an engineer, not the other way around. But, like I said, he lives in the Bahamas where great whites never go, according to this movie. I guess it's too warm or whatever.
As Mike attempts to comfort his mother, she exclaims, "It came for him. It waited all this time, and it came for him". I assume she's referring to the shark, which begs the question, does she know that this is not the same shark from the other movies? Because they kinda died. Still, she wants her family nowhere near the water. She is convinced that the shark has it in for them, after it killed her son and . . . scared her husband to death? So it wasn't a heart attack. He died from the fear of an animal that he singlehandedly killed . . . twice. TWIIIIICE!!! Mike decides to get her out of Amity for Christmas and takes her to the Bahamas, because there is no water there.
Upon arrival, we meet some fun new characters. First, we meet a guy named Hoagie (really) played by Michael Caine. Yes, THAT Michael Caine. He is a pilot and serves as something of a love interest for Ellen. Terrific! They have introduced the only thing that could make this movie worse - old people making out! I kid. Let's move on. We also have Mike's partner, Jake, played by Mario Van Peebles. Love him! Those two go out on their boat and look for snails for some reason. Sounds exciting. No, it doesn't! We need something to spice up the workday! Heh, heh!
So Mike, Jake and their crew go out to do their snail work. Jake goes down in some kind of mini submarine, and when he looks to his right, he sees a great white shark. And not just any shark. This is the one that killed Sean, because when it surfaced and took a bite out of the boat, it looked right at Mike Four and said, "Hey, Brody, I totally ate your brother, and he was delicious. I wish I could have eaten your dad, but I'll just have to settle for having scared him to death!". Okay, that talking shark part did not happen, but would you really be surprised if it had? Now I don't know if Mike actually thinks it is the same one, but he tells Jake to not tell his mom about it. Jake is pretty excited, though, because he reminds us that great whites don't come to the Bahamas. They decide to dump the snails and try to do something with the shark.
In the meantime, Ellen begins to have her little romance with Hoagie, which helps to get her mind off things. But nightmares about the shark make her think that they have some kind of psychic connection. Fine, whatever. I mean, in the last movie, it was a magic, lake shark, so it may as well be a psychic "I know where you are and I'm gonna follow you" shark. Is anyone else crying right now?
The former snail chasers decide to use a device that will allow them to track the shark's heartbeat. But they have to attract him first, so . . . chum, anyone? And, eventually, because he's a Brody, Mike gets chased by the shark. Not to be outdone by her father, the little girl gets attacked, too. Well, sort of. See, she goes out on this banana boat while her mother gives a speech about this hideous sculpture she made, and the shark shows up. Actually, it kinda floats up. It's really weird. And then it eats some woman sitting BEHIND the Brody girl. You missed! Needless to say, the people on the beach are a little freaked out. Not Ellen, though. She's just really perturbed. So she decides to steal the boat of Mike and Jake in order to find the shark so she can . . . yell at it? I don't know. We don't really know what her plan is once she finds it. Good luck, Grandma.
Mike returns home to find his daughter traumatized. He doesn't help things by finally telling his wife that they knew about the shark all along. When he realizes what his mother has done, he grabs Jake, Hoagie (I never get tired of that name) and Hoagie's plane to go and look for her. Oh, they find her alright, just as Jaws slowly lifts itself out of the water to scare her. Good timing. Hoagie lands the plane in the water and as Jake and Mike swim to the boat, unharmed, the shark pulls Hoagie and the plane underwater. He's clearly dead. Not so fast! About a minute later, he climbs up the side of the boat, pretty much completely dry. So he can cheat death and dry off fast. He is so talented.
Jake then gets an idea to drop this thing in the sharks mouth and then take this other thing that will activate the "in the mouth" thing. Look, he gives some long, scientific explanation about it that I did not understand. So he climbs up on the mast, I think. Okay, he climbs up on the pointy thing in the front of the boat and puts his plan into action. Unfortunately, he also falls into the sharks mouth, gets mauled and pulled underwater. If there is any logic in this world, he could not have lived through that!!! Well, if there's any logic in the world or in this movie.
And so to avenge his friend, Mike grabs this flashlight looking thing and taps it, causing Jaws to emerge from the water in severe pain. I guess it's in pain because it roars. It roars. Yes, this is the thing that is always brought up in discussions of this film. And here's another thing that is always brought up. Ahem . . .
SHARKS DO NOT ROOOAARRRR!
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at y'all. But . . . COME ON!
Okay, even though this gadget seems to be working, Ellen decides to take the wheel and go toward the shark, stabbing it with that front of the boat, pointy thing. And how does she do this so easily? Well, because the shark is literally upright and out of the water. No lie. It looks like they're in about four feet of water and he's standing up on his back fins as though they were feet. And then, it explodes! For no reason! It just explodes.
Now you may think that what I've already said is preposterous enough, but oh, no! As Ellen stabbed Jaws, she had a visual memory of the end of the first movie when Brody shot it! You cannot have a visual memory of something you did not witness. It's, like, impossible. And on top of that, once Jaws is dead, guess who isn't? Yes, that's right. After being mauled by a great white and dragged underwater, where he has presumably been for the last five to ten minutes, Jake is seen floating in the water. Not dead. Well, he's not dead if you saw that version of the movie. In another version, he is not found alive. And since members of my extended family had seen different versions, Jake's death or non-death was a cause for debate for years.
Finally, the movie concludes with Mike and his family sending Ellen back to Amity in Hoagie's, I'm guessing, new plane. And that is the end. Hallelujah!
Wow! Just wow! This is a truly not good movie. Don't believe me? Go to Rotten Tomatoes. The Tomatometer gives it a zero percent approval rating. ZE-RO! And apparently Michael Caine has never actually seen it. So he got paid a lot of money to make it, but has not suffered through it. He's smarter than all of us on two counts. Although, he did miss being at the Academy Awards ceremony where he won his first statue because of the filming of this movie, so I guess we're even.
There is literally one good thing about this movie, in my opinion. And that one thing is that song by The Jets that Mike and his mom dance to in the New Year's party scene. That is it! And that's just me saying that. Others might not even give the film credit for that.
You know, it's been twenty-five years since this movie came out, and I am genuinely surprised that no one has ever made another Jaws movie. Only because of the uncreative climate of the industry. Surprised, and also grateful.
So if you choose to see this movie, I'll give you a tip. Watch it, then IMMEDIATELY watch the first Jaws again. It won't wash away the memories of number four completely, but it will take you back to the good place of the first one.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
