Greetings,
When I was a kid, I never got to go on any big vacations. But we did manage to make summer trips to a local amusement park, and, when we felt like driving even further, we'd make a pilgrimage to Sea World. I know what you're thinking. I've said I lived in Pennsylvania, so wouldn't a trip to Sea World be considered a big vacation? Well, believe it or not, there used to be a Sea World in Ohio. As an adult, I have contemplated the logic, or lack thereof, of putting a water park like that in a place like Ohio. As a child, though, I just enjoyed myself. But all of that is beside the point. The actual point is that you'd think combining a favorite place with a favorite movie would be just perfect. Then, I saw Jaws 3-D, and it was certainly . . . amusing. And that is not really what you want from your Jaws movie.
Here's a little side note, though, speaking of amusing things. The initial idea for another Jaws sequel was going to be called Jaws 3, People 0. Get it? And of course, it was going to be a parody, a spoof of itself. But someone said, "No, you can't possibly turn Jaws into a comedy!". Considering the film they eventually did make, that argument seems almost ironic.
So they began production on a "serious" Jaws sequel, and somewhere along the line, someone decided to add something special - 3-D. Believe it or not, 3-D films have been around in some form since 1915, but it was very expensive and not used often. It gained more popularity in the '50s, then had a resurgence in the '80s. I only bring this up because it's important to remember that the 3-D of yesteryear is nothing like that of today. All the 3-D we've seen in the past few years has less to do with things coming out at the audience and more to do with giving an incredible depth to the entire visual experience of the film. In the past, it was like watching a normal movie with a few instances of things, like I said, coming out at you. And it was basically just a gimmick. I suppose the makers of Jaws 3-D felt like they needed all the help they could get for this. Anyway, on to the story. Third time: spoilers and details galore again.
Jaws 3-D is the first one of the movies not to be set in the Amity Island of the first two. Instead, this time, like I mentioned, we get to have an adventure with our favorite great white shark at the Sea World of Orlando, Florida. Wait! Wait a minute! I'm sorry, but I must stop again. I am not a genius when it comes to geography, but isn't Orlando - what do you call it? - oh, yeah, LANDLOCKED! I know there are lakes and whatnot, but it's like 50 miles from the ocean. That raises the question of how in the world a great white shark got there! Are there underground tunnels or canals that lead from ocean to lakes, or did someone just get a baby great white and then flush it down the toilet! That's how the alligators get into the sewers, you know. Whatever! Don't ask me and don't ask the movie. They never explain it. It just seems a little implausible to me. I guess Jaws is just magic. A magic, lake shark. Oh, and while we're on the subject of things that make no sense, neither does the fact that Sea World allowed themselves to be associated with this. I don't think having people getting eaten by sharks is the best way to advertise. But I can't even get into that now. Please comment if you have any explanations. Continuing on.
Though this time we are not blessed with the presence of Roy Scheider, we do get a Brody. Actually, two. Our main character (human) is Chief Brody's oldest son, Mike, played by Dennis Quaid. Yay. He works at Sea World as an engineer and is dating a woman named Katherine "Kay" Morgan, a marine biologist played by Bess Armstrong. Some of you may remember her as the mom on My So-Called Life. She works closely with two dolphins, Cindy and Sandy (why not?), but is worried because they have been acting strange lately. Mike has problems of his own, namely a broken underwater gate, so he asks his mechanics to fix it. One of them, Shelby Overman, takes on the job and does so alone, as the sun begins to set. Clearly, the perfect time for such a task. After a few "Hey, what was that?" moments, he gets attacked by something. Perhaps, the magic lake shark. He is completely devoured, save an arm which is left to give us another 3-D moment.
In the meantime, Mike gets a visit from his little brother Sean, played by John Putch, son of Jean Stapleton. Now I don't remember what he does for a living in this movie, but I seem to recall the stench of unemployment all over this kid. The two brothers, along with Kay, go out for some drinks at the redneck-iest bar in all of Orlando, where they meet up with a pre-Back to the Future Lea Thompson, playing a Sea World skier named Kelly. Naturally, she and Sean get together, because that's what happens. Both couples end up frolicking on the beach at night, but little do they know that in the distance, two coral thieves, yes, coral thieves, are being eaten by, again, something we don't see. Magic lake shark?
The next day, Kay and Mike Three find out that Overman is missing. They think something may have happened to him underwater, so they get their scuba on and start looking for a body. No body. But they do find something - a shark! And we finally see it! Oh, but this is a little shark - keep that in mind. Miraculously, the dolphins swim them to safety, though no one is able to prevent the shark from entering the confines of the park. Funny thing, once Kay and Mike Three are safe on the surface, he keeps shouting, "What was that?!", Dude, it's a shark. You've seen one before. Remember Jaws 2?
Of course, they immediately warn the manager, Calvin Bouchard, about the shark, but he doesn't believe them. I guess he's supposed to be like the mayor from the first two movies, but I don't find him so despicable. Why? Well, could it have something to do with the fact that he is played by the fantastic Louis Gosset, Jr.? Probably. I love him in this movie, and I love the way he says his name. Just trust me. Anyway, Calvin does not believe, but this news is thrilling to a shark hunter friend of his named Philip FitzRoyce, who I think is supposed to be like Quint. He is played by the late, great Simon McCorkindale, future Manimal star and one of my first crushes. What? He had an accent. I can't help myself. FitzRoyce has the idea to get worldwide publicity by killing the shark on camera. Kay reminds them that that would be a one time thing, and they could get ongoing publicity by having the "only great white in captivity" and nursing it back to health. Calvin agrees to her idea, and they do manage to capture the baby shark, keeping it safe and away from the park visitors in a "behind the scenes" tank.
But, as always, capitalism wins out and Calvin, against Kay's expert advice, has the shark moved to an exhibition tank, where it dies. You know, I thought it did, in fact, just die. Apparently, it killed itself, something that great whites in captivity tend to do, which is probably why they can't be kept in captivity. So, no more shark. We should all be safe. Oh, you'd think so, wouldn't you?
This leads us to another park attraction, the Undersea Kingdom, which is basically a haunted house type thing and a glass tunnel that people can walk through and observe undersea life . . . and chewed up human corpses. Yes, the body of Overman floats into view leaving spectators terrified. Once Mike and Kay see the body, she realizes that the baby could not have done this. Nope, its mommy did! That's right, girls. Our day in the sun has arrived. We may not have passed the ERA (at least, I don't think we did!), but we got something better - a lady Jaws! WIN! Anyway, they tell Calvin and FitzRoyce in an underwater restaurant, which is surrounded by glass. FitzRoyce gets all excited, because he's clearly becoming psychotic about this thing, but Calvin is skeptical. Or he is until something shows up in the water outside the restaurant. Everyone wave to Mama Jaws!
The shark swims off and damages the Undersea Kingdom tunnel, trapping a lot of people in it. Yeah, say what you will about the rest of this film, but this part kind of freaked me out the most. You've got shark threats, possible drowning, hypothermia, and claustrophobia all at once. Not fun at all. After that, the shark decides to take a tour of Sea World, including an attack on the "Bumper Boats", where Sean and Kelly become surviving victims, and then on to a surprise visit to the ski show. And here we see Mike make his father so proud by grabbing a microphone and shouting at everyone to - you guessed it - "Get out of the water right now!". Ah, memories!
So FitzRoyce and his little assistant go down to try and trap the shark. Unfortunately, he is attacked. And since FitzRoyce always has explosives for some reason, he tries to use a grenade to blow up the shark. The shark, but not himself? Doesn't really matter because he gets chewed up before he can pull the pin. But the shark does get trapped, somehow, in a cage or a pipe or something. I don't know, everything is so grainy in the underwater footage I can't even tell.
Now that the shark is trapped, Mike and Kay go down to try and fix the tunnel so that the people can get out. They do get out, so their plot is over. But Calvin says they should shut down the pumps because I think he wants to suffocate the shark instead of blowing it up, which is what everyone else is voting for. Well, his idea doesn't work and the shark escapes. So we've learned twice in three movies that sharks do not fall for these suffocation attempt tricks. They will blow up though. Anyway, Mike and Kay get to the control center (also underwater) where two technicians and Calvin are waiting. And here is where we get the most classic scene in the film.
All five of them are sitting there, assuming they are safe, but then they look up at the glass window in front of them and what should they see? Well, they SHOULD see the shark SWIMMING toward them, but what they actually see is the shark gingerly floating toward them. I think comedian Brad Sherwood described it best when he said something to the effect of "This was like a loaf of frozen bread floating in the water." I mean, there was NO fin movement at all! And when it did hit the glass, the glass that didn't look thick enough for a jelly jar, the shark just stopped, in the water, in some kind of suspended animation. That does not happen! But then again, this is the magic, lake shark, so . . .
Well, Calvin and the female technician get out, I assume. The male one, who happened to be Calvin's nephew, does not. Mike and Kay try to swim out as Mama Jaws is stuck in the window trying to wiggle her way out. But, surprise, Mike sees something. A grenade, in the hand of FitzRoyce, attached to the body that hasn't been swallowed yet. Why again? Anyway, he gets this metal reachy thing and pulls the pin. Again, they ride the dolphins' coattails, so to speak, to safety. I find that hard to believe. And we have our final 3-D moment when we get a close up look at Jaws' jaws.
So they surface with Cindy the dolphin, but where is Sandy? Mike exclaims that he thinks she didn't make it. Um, newsflash! If she didn't make it, then one of you wouldn't have made it either! But she did make it, and she let's them know by jumping up into the air, doing the twisty body trick thing that she couldn't do before. Hooray!
Jaws 3-D. It's not too good. Actually, if you want the hard truth, the reason that Roy Scheider was not in it is because he found the idea laughable. In fact, he signed on to another movie just so he would be unavailable at the time they were filming. Saying no was just not enough for him. That is sad. Funny thing though about this movie, other than the obvious, it's strangely mesmerizing. It's one of those movies that, if I find it in a fit of channel surfing, I stop and watch. It's not a bright spot in the Jaws legacy, but I think it should be seen at least once.
Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer
