Tuesday, January 1, 2019

New Year, New Beginnings


It has been a while. I think about six months. So, to all of my regular readers, I apologize, but things have been happening. Or not happening. Depending on how you look at it. I'll explain. And my explanation may be a bit long, but there's a lot for me to say.

The last time I posted was back in June, where I talked about how I felt I had maybe lost my passion for writing this blog. Truth be told, I lost my passion for a lot of things. Including life itself. The last few years have been difficult for me, I must admit, and in the past year and a half or so, I have been dealing with some pretty severe depression. I know I mentioned it here, tried to talk about it, tried to be positive, but I think that had less to do with convincing everyone else that things were gonna be okay and more with convincing myself. I wanted to believe everything I was saying, and I think, in the moment, I did. It was true as I was writing it, and I think I said a lot of good things that I hoped may have helped someone. But looking back, I'm not sure I really believed it. I'm actually pretty sure I didn't.

Honestly, because of everything I had been going through, I kind of gave up on my life. I stopped caring. Sure, I acted as best I could like everything was alright, and there were moments when it was easier to let myself forget how bad things were. But in the many quiet times when I was completely alone, it was nearly unbearable. I just didn't think I was worth anything and I stopped living.

I'd been through times like this before, but never this bad. So, it would take a lot for me to be able to get myself out of this and be able to care and breathe and live again. Well, something came along and did that. I won't go into too much detail, but let me just say this. There are times in a person's life when they can feel like they're dangling over the edge of a cliff, trying desperately to not crash into the ground. Ultimately, they are the only one who can pull themselves back up onto solid ground. But, in the meantime, sometimes someone can come along and hold their hands so they don't slip while they're trying to build up all that strength. That happened with me. And you have to remember that it was still always my choice. I could have let go and let myself fall, or I could have picked myself up, stopped dangling in fear and started living again. I chose the latter. And as much as I can and do appreciate the people who helped me, I'm actually proud of myself for doing that.

Are things perfect now? No. They're not. I'm still struggling financially. I still live in a house that's not exactly in great shape, to say the least. Yeah, it's in pretty bad shape, but it has a roof and walls and doors that lock, so I'm safe and sheltered. Which is more than what some people can say. And there are other things, too. But I'm trying to not get held down by all of it. After my time of wrongly being apathetic, I'm working hard again and I know that God sees that and will bless me for it. Speaking of work, let's talk about some of that. Particularly, my work as a writer.

Well, obviously, you know that when it comes to my blog writing, I have returned to that. In fact, I've spent the last week or so trying to clean up this lovely little blog of mine. I re-read things, edited some things, deleted a few things that just felt like a waste of space. Although, I kept a few of my earlier, more pointless posts up. Just so there's a record of where I've been, so I can compare it to where I am now. I can actually do a lot of that comparing when it comes to my movie reviews, which, in some cases, I should call movie discussions. Yeah, in some of them, especially early on, I kind of went on and on and on about the plot, sometimes talking about the whole thing, instead of just saying "Here's what was good and here's what was bad". I think I may have improved on that, over the years, though. Hopefully. Oh, and I also changed my intro to the blog. Cut it in half, actually. Kept the outro the same, however, because I think I only need one "catch phrase" and I like that one better. So, having said all that, if anyone goes back and reads my old stuff, I'm hoping it's better than it was.

And then, there are my books. I think I mentioned this, but I had taken them off the market and had been planning to re-release them all with new covers and more professional looking insides. I even came up with a name for a "publishing company" and I wanted to come up with a logo for it. But there has been some upheaval where I publish my books and some of that is not possible at the moment. Don't get me wrong. I will be putting my previous books back on the market soon with the improved insides, but the covers will be the same. The thing is this, when I do re-release them, I want them to look the absolute best they can. Now I may have to spend some extra time and money on that, which I don't have now. But when God blesses me with the means to do it, I will. And I will also be putting out a new book of poetry and my novel . . . finally. I'll keep you all posted on that.

In addition to that, there is my podcast. Or the one I want to do. I still have plans for that. Again, though, I have to get some equipment, which costs more money, of course. But once more, I know I will be blessed with the funds soon. On the other hand, I've been thinking of maybe just turning my aforementioned movies reviews/discussions into videos for my YouTube channel. Speaking of which . . .

I will also be putting some videos back onto said YouTube channel. I'll start with some improved versions of my poetry videos and some more stuff. What stuff? Who knows? But I have plenty of ideas. I'm even thinking of making a trailer for that new book of poetry I've got coming out. We'll see.

The point is this. I have so much to look forward to this year. After everything I went through, I am looking to change my life for the better in so many ways, something I've already starting doing. And I plan to work to make those changes happen. I want to be happy, healthy, successful. I want a new home. I want to travel. I want a lot of things, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I want to earn them any way I can. At the same time, like I said, I believe that God sees my commitment to all this and that He will bless me for that.

I look forward to all the good that will happen in 2019. And I look forward to continuing on with the journey of this blog. I hope you all enjoy what I have to offer here.

Love and full moons,
Becky the Writer

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